Chronic Fatigue & Cerebral Palsy: The Dance that Never Ends

Growing up with Spastic Diplegia Cerebral Palsy, I was unaware that I used more energy than others to do the simplest tasks. I didn’t know any different. To me, it was perfectly normal.
 
 As with any child, I had an abundance of energy, and I took all of the challenges Cerebral Palsy brings head on and I fought with everything I had. Why? I was determined to gain as much physical ability as I could before I reached adulthood, and I succeeded. I remember the satisfaction I felt when I attained the milestones: walking unaided, running, riding a 2-wheeled bicycle at age 10, etc.
 
 I graduated High School with Honors and was accepted into Nursing School. I was walking without any aids and, though my balance was tenuous, I felt relatively stable on my feet. My whole future was ahead of me and I was ready to embrace life.
 
 That was 31 years ago. I failed to graduate nursing as a Registered Nurse, because chronic pain set in to both knees and I was forced to quit. Soon after the chronic pain set in, so did chronic fatigue. I felt like I was an unwilling participant in a new dance.
 
 Since that time the effects of aging with Cerebral Palsy have taken their toll. I walk with a 4 wheeled walker at all times, have zero free-standing balance and use both manual & power wheelchairs to complete certain tasks and to conserve energy. 
 
 Yes, you heard me correctly. I have to conserve energy. I no longer have the abundance that I had when I was younger. The pain and fatigue use up my energy reserves faster than anything else…the dance continues.
 
 The level of pain & fatigue have continued to ramp up, meaning that I take an inordinate amount of time to do anything. This results in a fatigue so profound that I fall asleep in a nanosecond and it doesn’t matter where I am sitting: the computer, in front of the TV, in my wheelchair reading a book or riding in the front seat of our car. 
 
 I sleep at night, though some nights are restless and shallow. It doesn’t matter if I sleep well or not, the fatigue is with me the moment I open my eyes. Most mornings, it feels like I haven’t slept at all. The dance goes on throughout the night.
 
 Conserving Energy is complicated, so I envision that I have 7 tablespoons of energy per day. Once I run out of spoons, I run out of energy. I look at the tasks for each day and determine which ones I can accomplish without completely using up all my spoons. Some days I succeed and other days I fail miserably.

For example, if I want a shower, that will cost me 2 spoons worth of energy. Cleaning the Kitchen and loading and running the dishwasher take 2.5 spoons of energy. Laundry takes from 2–4 of spoons of energy depending on the size of the load(s), how many loads there are to do and the number of garments that must be loaded and unloaded and/or hung up to dry, then folded.

I worked in healthcare for 21+ years in administration before the fatigue and pain forced me to accept disability benefits and leave. Now, I am an entrepreneur with my own business, so I also have much work that must be done on the computer, my phone and my iPad. I love the work, but it is very tiring. I can pace myself most days, but other days, the dance takes over.
 
 The last few months, I have really been working on “proper spoon management.” This means that I have been taking time to rest in the day (20 minutes max), I am aware of how many spoons that I have left at all times and I try to hold onto that last spoon very tightly. This has been slightly beneficial, but I am still aware every moment of the day that there is an invisible dance going on and I am caught in its rhythm without the ability to bow out.