How I’m Learning to Embrace My Mental Health Diagnosis

In an attempt to ward off people and their concerns I have tried to bluff my way through normal conversation. Those closest to me have seen a change. Rightfully so, I have given up. There are however several reasons for this change. One being major depression, another social isolation. A few others include alcoholism, self discovery, “oops” can fall into the category of my behavioral change as well… I don’t want to pretend. I don’t want to pacify these people anymore regardless of how close they are. Besides the ones who really know me can see right through it. What choice do I have though? They won’t back down and the last thing I want is them showing up at my doorstep or worse calling the authorities because I haven’t answered their calls of concern. Regardless of how much they care, regardless of how much I care for them I just want to be left alone. I think at one point in my life I wanted the attention — I NEEDED the attention. After all isn’t that a characteristic of BPD? I’ve done such extensive research in the last few weeks I’m exhausted. I’ve literally lost sleep, I stayed up for 39 hours straight one time reading. I’ve gone through several stages of grief — denial, mourning, finally acceptance, since my diagnosis over a year ago. Where I am emotionally? I am unsure. I think I’m merely “okay” at this point and that’s truthfully a bit of a stretch. What else can I be? As I write this I am still at the mercy of depressions evil grasp. The hardest part of it all is to come to terms with the fact that having this condition was avoidable. It was! Well, maybe not entirely but my past certainly didn’t help. Had things been different when I was a defenseless child I may have never developed such a debilitating disorder. A disorder that has made my life unbearable at times. A disorder that has recently contributed to me losing my job of over 6 years, losing my security, my way of providing for myself, my 9 year old daughter, and now contributing to my downward spiral that has caused me to fall into old habits and causes me to wake up everyday caring less and less. Becoming more and more depressed while I’m slowly losing hope with every passing hour… It’s terrifying.

When I was first told I had Borderline Personality Disorder I shrugged it off. Clearly this shrink had no idea what he was talking about. He suggested I read “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me”. I did as soon as I left his office. I didn’t read it because I believed him. I read it because hearing I have Borderline Personality Disorder made me feel as though he thought I had several personalities, was in a constant state of psychosis, or heard voices. Should I be questioning my entire reality?? I disliked this entire day more than I could put into words. *To clarify If you or someone you know does suffer from a disorder that presents with symptoms of multiple personalities or causes you to hear voices I am not being ignorant or disrespectful with my previous statement, I’m simply saying that the name given to BPD was/is misleading in my personal opinion.* Clearly I quit listening to him after he said those three words. Anyhow throughout my research I stumbled upon a few resources that mentioned the possibility of changing the name of BPD to Emotional Regulation Disorder (ERD) which I personally feel does the disorder more justice as far as a name goes, but really a name is just a label and I’m unsure of the importance of that presently. Now based solely on the name alone (remember I wasn’t convinced at this point I actually suffer from BPD) I struggled with the idea of telling people. Clearly if I jumped to the conclusion that Borderline Personality Disorder basically meant I needed to question my entire reality and that my psychiatrist may even think I have several personalities, even though he is well aware of the disorder, what would my friends and family think?!? At the time of the diagnosis I had just gotten out of a relationship and I was certain I would never be in one again but on the off chance how in the world would I ever tell a a boyfriend about this without him running as fast as he could?!?! Might as well prepare myself for an eternity alone with a house full of cats.. I guess that’s not so bad. After all my daughter loves cats I’m sure she would be more inclined to visit her crazy old mother that way.

Awful thoughts aside I told my mother. My mother has always denied that mental illness exists until recently even though her own mother suffered horribly from it to the extent that she took several medications, several times a day, was institutionalize dozens of times and received ECT treatments. A few years prior I told her I received medication for my anxiety and panic attacks. Her reaction was less than supportive when she scoffed and said, “you don’t need that junk just learn to deal with it”. Thanks mom. This time though she was skeptical but oddly supportive. I told her about the book and suggested that she read it perhaps it could offer her some insight into the troubles we’ve had. I also confided in my closest friend that same day. This friend of mine is an absolute angel. We crossed paths at the right time in each other’s lives and have never left. She has been there for me through thick and thin as I have for her. I am a very lucky woman. She said she can see how my psychiatrist would draw such a conclusion and that I shouldn’t worry it’s a diagnosis and we move on, get better or at least learn to manage our symptoms. Inside I hated her for saying it. I expected she would also disagree and we would have a beer and bitch about work or something trivial. After all I value her opinion more than most and if we both agree I’m sane it has to be true. The fact that she didn’t disagree with my psychiatrist planted another seed of doubt in my ever growing garden insanity.

A week or so went by and I met with my therapist who I had recently agreed to see as well. Might I add I didn’t like her until this meeting. Why? I really had no reason to dislike her I just always disliked therapy in general. But in this meeting she disagreed with my psychiatrist! Yes! She said she disagreed with him but also stated she is not an actual doctor. No! She went on to say that she felt as though I had lived with someone (most likely my mother who had BPD) and I was merely exhibiting traits of the disorder. I still liked that idea better but wasn’t convinced the psychiatrist was completely wrong OR right for that matter.

When I saw the psychiatrist again I told him what she had said and he made it very clear that he had made his diagnosis and with 100% certainty I was suffering from BPD (damn him). He went over how one goes about being diagnosed with BPD. A person needs to meet 5 out of 9 criteria to be formally diagnosed — without even taking a formal test I indeed met ALL 9.. Yay me! He suggested antidepressants which I declined. He then mentioned a mood stabilizer. ‘Sigh’ I guess it couldn’t hurt I do have some significant anger issues. I asked what it was. He said, “Topiramate”. Game on! I thought. When I was much younger I was on Topiramate for chronic migraines. Topiramate is an anti-seizure medication that’s also commonly used for migraines as well as a mood stabilizer and other conditions as determined by a doctor. From what I recalled from when I was younger it did level out my moods and when I took it at bedtime I slept more than 3 hours. It was a win-win. I’m pretty certain he felt successful that day as well. Nevertheless I again brushed off his diagnosis.

Months had gone by and I continued to struggle with the BPD diagnosis here and there, however the diagnoses I did accept were Complex PTSD, depression, and anxiety although those had come previously. I did continue taking my medication as the only side effect was a slight tingling in my hands and feet. I will add here that my best friend wasn’t shy about sporadically mentioning that she agreed with my psychiatrist’s diagnosis of BPD since we first discussed it. I can’t recall the context but she’s the type that will let you know because she cares (I say this without a sarcastic undertone I promise).

It wasn’t until 2 months ago when I managed to get fired from my job for that angry outburst towards my boss, that I actually started to accept my BPD diagnosis. The first 2 weeks of unemployment I remained motivated and determined to find another job knowing that my work ethic and skills would not fail me. Week number 3 came with no prospects and my unemployment was denied because of insubordination (naturally I appealed this but I was running out of money and that took time) and the depression was hitting me hard. I gave up. I had to attend an appeal hearing over the phone for my unemployment. I was certain I would lose this as I was at fault for my actions at my former place of employment. I was riddled with anxiety and ill prepared as I had no idea what to expect. As the 2 hour hearing was wrapping up I made mention to the judge that according to my psychiatrist if I did not suffer from mental illness my response may have been different. He questioned what I have been diagnosed with. (See, you may have been asking yourself how this is even relevant to my story, I assure you it is). I stopped for what was an awkward amount of time. I thought to myself and struggled for a moment. Up until this point the only two people I had told about my BPD diagnosis were my mother and my best friend. During this hearing my ex-manager, the judge, HR representative, and myself were present. Not to mention the whole conversation was being recorded! There was no way I could reveal that I’m borderline to these people! Besides I honestly hadn’t really come to terms with it myself. The judge repeated his question and I slowly listed off my diagnoses,” Complex PTSD, depression, anxiety, and….. Ummm I’ve been told I have Borderline Personality Disorder…… Uh I guess.” HOLY SHIT! I said it! At the end of the hearing the judge addressed my mental illnesses which I thought at this point had been dismissed. He asked that I have my psychiatrist confirm the diagnoses by faxing in a letter. He asked my ex-manager if she objected. Her response was,”Are you joking?! Just because she has diseases she’s going to win now?! This is ridiculous!!” I won’t bore you with many more details but the judge’s response to her was very understanding to those of us who do have a mental illness as he made a point to correct her firmly and politely by stating mental illness is not a disease but in fact an illness. I also won my case.

Weeks later and with no motivation left at this point I decided to research this diagnosis I had been given a year prior, why not I had plenty of free time. Initially I realized the book “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me” was either poorly written or I had partially misinterpreted it’s meaning of “relationships”, perhaps it is a combination of both. I have heard mixed reviews about the book. The main point I had taken away from this piece of literature was that a person suffering from BPD was deathly afraid to be left by a SPOUSE or a significant other. Let me stress that was the MAIN point I seemed to take away from it. The book obviously touched base on many other important aspects of BPD. After researching BPD further I came to realize that that the term relationship was not meant to be isolated to that of a romantic status but relationships in general, meaning a friend, family member, partner, etc. That certainly clicked for me I had horrible abandonment issues. As my research continued over the next couple of weeks (completely abandoning my job search) I began to connect even more dots. My uncontrolled anger as an adolescent, keeping people at an arms length yet clinging to one specific individual, never being able to maintain a healthy relationship, my master manipulation skills, my substance abuse, risky behavior, destroying relationships/friendships before I could be abandoned, truthfully the list goes on and on. As shocked as I was I felt a sense of relief as I noticed many do once they are able to identify why they are “different”. I decided I wanted to read some more personal accounts of people suffering from BPD rather than the clinical accounts to gain some insight.

That’s when things got worse.. Let me first say I did come across some invaluable blogs and posts from people that I am eternally grateful for. I praise them and thank them for their strength and ability to come forth, this is not an easy task and I really appreciate that they shared their struggles. I found these gave me strength and I wish that more individuals were as courageous as you. Unfortunately the majority of the reading I found surrounding BPD was NEGATIVE. Which is extremely surprising to me. Much of what I read stated that Borderline is one of the most researched mental illnesses there is. Although it may be one of the most difficult to treat, it is one of the MOST RESEARCHED! Yet there is so much negativity and stigma surrounding it. I don’t believe I need elaborate on how damning this is for someone experiencing negative environmental situations, prone to self harming, suicide attempts, substance abuse, and struggling to accept their diagnosis. Those of you who have been diagnosed are well aware. This naturally made things worse for me. The over abundance of posts, blogs, and comments that I came across calling women (men also suffer it’s a common misconception that it’s mainly women) insane merely because they were suffering from BPD was mind blowing! I was shocked and saddened to find articles encouraging young professionals to “stay away” from patients that exhibit signs of BPD because we are some of the most difficult patients to treat. How could a medical professional be so ignorant? I have worked in hospitals for years and never seen such blatant displays of disregard for another human regardless of the situation! Men that have dated women with BPD expressing how horrible and what manipulative monsters we are. How we should be feared! Literally FEARED! I also stumbled across other people who suffer from mental illness say things such as, “I should be grateful I only have Multiple Personality Disorder it’s not as though I suffer from a severe or horrific mental illness like Borderline Personality Disorder.” Nearly 1 in 5 Americans suffer from a mental illness! Why would someone feel it is acceptable to taunt the severity of one versus the other?! The mental health community should come together to support one another as should all communities not cut each other down. Claims that a BPD sufferer will only tear your family apart. Self help books titled, “How to Talk to a Borderline” and “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder” as well as multiple survival guides. Now I have not personally read any of these books they may very well contain some wonderful information. My problem lies within the titles. Those who suffer from BPD have been referred to as third-degree burn victims as we have no emotional skin. Why would an individual, an author, who has obviously done extensive research decide to title his/her book in such an insensitive manner? To be clear I am no personally offended but if I was going through a divorce presently I’m pretty certain I would be upset by the above mentioned book.

So. Much. Negativity.

After reading for hours I began to feel as though I truly was some sort of monster that should retreat into the wilderness and do the world a favor. Within this matter of weeks I no longer found myself struggling to come to terms with a diagnosis but with how the world views those of us who carry the burden of this disorder. I will without a doubt never tell another soul about this diagnosis. How could I? The second they try to understand more about it and type BPD into a search engine they are going to see everything I’ve been seeing. If I wanted to run surely someone with the option will. People who suffer from mental health issues have always faced a stigma that has prevented people from seeking help. It’s tragic and sometimes fatal. It took me a long time to seek help for my PTSD and anxiety. I survived without medication or therapy the majority of my life. I finally realized that anyone who is plagued with an invisible illness should be praised for recognizing it and seeking treatment not punished. Now I have encountered this… What a set back. I’ve been diagnosed with one of the difficult, most stigmatized disorders — perfect. But if we are such monsters, how is it possible that I have survived on my own since I was an adolescent? How did I obtain my GED and a college degree? How could I possibly have managed to hold down a job for as long as I did? How is it that I have maintained some long lasting and amazing friendships for 10+ years? How have I raised and provided for a perfectly healthy, well rounded, and happy child ALONE for this long if I am so unstable? How? Because we are far from untreatable monsters that should be feared. My life has certainly had its ups and downs but people that suffer from BPD are warriors. We are fighters. We overcome obstacles everyday that “ordinary” people couldn’t imagine. We are strong and we persevere.

Those that suffer from BPD have so many strengths. One of the symptoms that comes along with BPD is being emotionally intense, is it fun? No, I can only speak for myself when I say I don’t particularly enjoy it. In fact it tends to really fuck up my day. The perk? I can read people INSANELY well. I have the ability to tell how people feel almost before they realize how they feel about the current situation. Pretty cool huh? People with BPD are also really passionate, when I find something that interests me I am all in! I dedicate myself to a project, a book, a fundraiser, work, whatever it is I put my heart and soul into it. Come to think of it maybe I could pitch this to potential employers! I over analyze the living shit out of EVERYTHING. In most scenarios this sucks I’m not going to lie but it does make me one amazing problem solver! Curiosity is another trait of BPD suffers, maybe a thirst for knowledge is a better way to phrase it, hence my sleepless days and nights just researching BPD alone! We are also unusually insightful and compassionate as well. It has been determined that BPD stems from both a combination of genetic and environmental factors that being said most of us that suffer from it have been through a fair amount of unsavory events. This giving way to some sound advice or at best someone who can empathize when you are going through a rough time. We’re also intelligent and creative. Things have always come easy to me academics, playing instruments, learning in general. My junior year in high school I believe I missed 90 days due to skipping class and I still managed to maintain A and B grades. In fact when I would take on a project or attempt to learn something new if it would not simply “flow” I would immediately become angry and decide it wasn’t for me. I am used to learning things quickly and easily. To this day I don’t consider myself overly intelligent nor do I consider myself to be unintelligent. Feel free to critique the format and grammar here if you’d like, writing has never been my strong suit and this entire piece was typed on the note app of my iPhone. Regardless, I had grown accustom to things always being simple. As far as creativity goes I never felt I was creative but throughout my BPD research it was the one positive attribute that I did come across repeatedly (about damn time!)The one consistent positive. I like that. I can see how that is possible along with the other positive traits I have mentioned. On any given day at any given moment I have several thoughts running through my poor overworked mind. I have no choice but to believe that this would be the perfect breeding ground for creativity, if only I could put those thoughts to good use. Perhaps I will add that to my list of things to work on. These traits are not anything superhuman or exclusive to just those who have BPD many people posses these qualities. My point is that after weeks and weeks of research the majority of the information that I reviewed was plagued with negative language. Whether the information was clinical or a matter of opinion it was all written in a negative context that contributed to me feeling hopeless and even more depressed about my diagnosis and my current situation. Only after digging for some positivity and some serious self-reflection was I able to sit back and say “what the hell is going on here?!”

A diagnosis of BPD is not a death sentence. It does not mean that you are a monster or an awful person that is doomed to living a life of torment. Having BPD doesn’t change who you have been your entire life. Have I done things that I regret in the past? Absolutely! Can some of those things possibly be attributed to BPD? No doubt. Do I blame all of my past misfortune on an unknown diagnosis of BPD? No, not at all. It’s been a combination of my free spirited, beautiful, determined attitude with a sprinkle of this mystifying disorder they call BPD that only amplifies emotions every human being already possesses and that makes me who I am. To be honest I’m pretty fucking awesome! With BPD I’m still pretty fucking awesome just x100, a little more extreme. I dig it.

To this day I still haven’t mentioned my BPD to anyone else but writing this is a start.