One Outdated Wedding Tradition That Needs To Go Away
In 2010 when the Crown Princess of Sweden decided to have her father give her away at her wedding, the country went wild. Headlines accused her of being sexist; even the Archbishop of the Swedish Church made a public statement epressing his disaprroval of the Princess for wanting to include this patriarchical tradition in her wedding. In Sweden and other Scandinavian countries where gender equality is literally years ahead of the United States, the bride and groom walk together down the aisle to show the equality of their marriage. And the few brides who do ask to be given away usually face a backlash of being too “American.”
When I started researching this article, I wasn’t concerned about the actual procession down the aisle that some couples choose to have in their wedding. After all, being escorted down the aisle by someone you love and trust can be such a meaningful part of the ceremony. Whether it be a father, mother, groom, or just a dear friend, it can mark a huge transition in the bride’s life. What I wanted to find out was how many brides and grooms chose to include those five little words asked after the procession … “Who gives this bride away?”
Over the years I’ve been to and in enough weddings to know what I love and what I hate about certain wedding traditions. I bemoan the typical “wedding package” and tend to find creative and offbeat weddings more to my liking. But I will never forget the first time as an adult when I heard those five words uttered at a wedding. For me, it was cringeworthy. I remember thinking that obviously the bride and father had no idea where this tradition came from. I mean they couldn’t know … right? How could a woman let her father symbolically pawn her off as property to be passed to the groom? How could they actually include that as part of the ceremony?
Most people know that this tradition is based on times when daughters were legal property of the father. Fathers literally gave their daughters away to men in order to gain money and hopefully, to improve the standing of the family. Father’s were known to use their daughters to pay off gambling debts, buy livestock, etc. And if the wedding was due to an arranged marriage where the couple had never met, the bride would wear a veil so the groom couldn’t see her face until the couple was wed. This prevented the groom from becoming a runner if the bride wasn’t physically to his liking.
An interesting bit of information that I uncovered in my research actually came from a priest who revealed that the Catholic Church does NOT support the act of being given away. A priest can decide to allow it in a wedding, but including those words in the ceremony is not something the Church stands behind. After Vatican 2, it was decided that the bride and groom need to show that they have entered into the marriage equally. Some argue that being given away in a Catholic wedding could be grounds for an annulment. To add, the traditional Jewish wedding doesn’t include any act of giving the bride away.
With all this information in hand, I wanted to find out what American women today actually think about this tradition. To my delight, it’s definitely a dying one. I posted the question on a wedding discussion board and was amazed at how many responses I got. I made sure to make it clear that it wasn’t the procession down the aisle that was problematic, just the act of asking who gives the bride away. Not one woman wrote that she was including that in her wedding. Not one! (Yay!) And several told me that their fathers had told them they would never be part of giving them away. What I learned is that there are so many wonderful ways to include parents and/or guardians into the ceremony. Martine Boursiquot-LaConte, a certified wedding planner for This Modern Love Events, told me that as more brides learn the actual meaning behind the tradition, they are finding it very hard to have it as part of the ceremony. “I think to Millenials and Gen Y’ers today, that phrasing is very problematic because it implies that the father has ownership over his daughter and that simply isn’t the case anymore.”
Some people say that traditions are just a way for people to be lazy and not think for themselves. But this particular tradition is so painful to witness because it’s difficult to relate to that bride. Maybe they were talked into it, which is just shameful, or maybe they actually view themselves as property. I know women who are happy to be taken care of and provided for who will always defer to their husband. But even that woman should view themselves as more than cattle. It’s been years since I’ve heard that question at a wedding, but I can’t help but to feel that there’s something creepy about it. Not in an unnatural way, creepy just because it is so inappropriate. I always hope that the wedding of someone I love and care for is as special and memorable as he or she plans for. I never want to see a friend of mine demean themselves, especially when I look back at how hard a fight it has been for women in this country to gain equality. Any setback in that fight stings all women.
It was nice to find out that there actually are places in the world where women are treated as equals and would never dream of being given away. I found a forum thread on Reddit discussing this very topic and had to laugh at some of the posts. Since people from all over the world were commenting on the topic, it was amusing to read the responses from people who had never even heard of giving the bride away. One male poster from Scandinavia who was having trouble understanding the tradition probably summed it up best when he finally understood the tradition … “WTF, you Americans are nuts! Why do you hate women?”
“Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, a lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul. She becomes all outer show and inward emptiness; dull, callous, and indifferent.” — Virginia Woolf.
