Filling in the Blanks and Gaps
I’m supposed to walk in my college graduation commencement tomorrow, but I’m not going. It is supposed to be a celebration of years of faithful work. Instead it just feels like another obligation thrust upon me by some outside force.
I will celebrate my graduation, but on a day when joy will come more easily.
The last 6 months have been the worst 6 months I’ve ever lived.
In November, my wife had a miscarriage. Well, actually it was a molar pregnancy, but emotionally it was a miscarriage.
Then she had not one but two DNCs to remove all of the tissue that was not expelled.
Then we spent 10 hours in the ER with our almost 2 year old daughter. In retrospect, it wasn’t a big deal, but it was emotionally and physically exhausting for an already tired family.
Then we spent most of our waking hours in the first half of March sitting in the hospital with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law as she fought to cling to this life that cancer was stealing from her. Until she wasn’t fighting anymore and faced her death with dignity and bravery.
She died late at night on March 19.
The hole her death has left in my life is much larger than anything I can understand, and it still shocks me enough to take my breath away at times.
The day after her funeral, we woke up to our 14 year old cat too cold to move and barely breathing. We knew the day we had to put her down was coming, but it seemed awfully cruel that we had to bury her the day after we buried our friend and sister. Though, it was somewhat poetic because Mary gave our cat, Bitty, to Emily as a Christmas gift those years ago.
I’ve sat down to write about my feelings and our processing several times in these last few months. But the words I write always feel inadequate and meaningless. There are no answers I have to give. No meaningful interpretations. No words of real value.
I’ve been listening to Frightened Rabbit all day. A band I discovered in 2010 and immediately loved. Emily developed an even deeper love for them than I had, and we saw them every chance we could. We even flew to Minneapolis for our fifth anniversary to see them because they weren’t coming any closer than that. The music of Frightened Rabbit has been a great comfort over these last 8 years through many struggles, both large and small.
Scott Hutchison, the lead singer and song writer, killed himself this week. They found his body today. We suspected it for the last two days, but it still stings to know the truth.
I’ve listened to his entire discography today, including Owl John and Mastersystem, and maybe that’s why I have words to write today. They are still mostly meandering ponderings, but they are honest and true, and Scott could write that better than anyone. So, here’s to his music, with a prayer for peace and rest for his brother, other bandmates, and whole family.
The last 6 months have been really difficult, but they have not been absent of joy. Mary’s absence has brought those of us that loved her even closer. I’ve had a lot of good laughs, cries, and beers with my brother. My only son started playing baseball in April, and being with him on the field is pure joy. My oldest daughter makes me laugh every day and asks me really good questions, something her aunt did with regularity. My youngest daughter is pure passion and moxie, and her laugh is the most beautiful and necessary sound right now.
Anyways, I’m not celebrating the end of college tomorrow. I will celebrate it in due time. When smiles come more easily. When we’re all a little less tired and more capable. When celebrating feels right and good.
Instead, tomorrow I’ll enjoy my wife. Play baseball with my son. Have a beer with my friends. And bask in the sun.
