Fucking up energy pathways oops

Alan Waller
Sep 7, 2018 · 2 min read

So, I think I just fucked up, and I want to write about it. It’s a very common type of fuckup; you (I don’t know if that’s a correct usage of semicolon) are ready to do something, something creative, something heartful, and at the last moment you have the violent urge to indulge in a vice (in this case, eating a snack when your body isn’t craving one. eating a snack which your mind is craving, not your body). It’s funny how that can offset the balance of the body, or the energy, or whatever: suddenly (I don’t know if that’s a correct colon, either) the drive to do that is attenuated. It’s almost as if the “hunger” that lead me to eat was actually a hunger for creative action, but since I’m hardwired through repetitive habit to satisfy that urge via food, I fall into the trap easily, and then the “urge” (which was a good one, an urge to create) gets de-railed. Before eating, my mind and heart were racing with ideas: “I’ll write about this, I’ll write about that”. There’s a huge clarity. At the same time, there’s almost an overwhelming emotion, the energy rising up the body to the heart. I feel as if eating is a way of avoiding that emotion by sending the energy back down to my stomach to concentrate on the food. The energy is too much, in the way that an intense dream can be too much. And yet the energy “naturally” wants to rise up, so I need to go through with that passage, that rite. The days when I have gone all the way are nuts: after the “microcosmic dark night of the soul” which this heart chakra shit represents, the skies clear up and one feels better than one could imagine. The urge you felt before? It is satisfied tenfold. Eating a snack is nothing compared to that satisfaction. It’s as if the urge needs to go through a period of “death”, the death of the urge itself, in order to be reborn as pure satisfaction, pure peace. Anyway, I think that’s about it. It’s a shame, but we’ll see what comes out. Let’s learn from mistakes. Voilà!

Alan Waller

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