I don’t want to see things!
Let’s write without glasses again. I have noticed one more thing about my “problems” with glasses (those quotes were completely unnecessary, but it’s too late now), and that is: I don’t want to see anything. That is why my eyes are blurry (big, bold statement). I avoid things on the street, specifically: people. I avoid people, I don’t want them to catch my eye, I avoid eye contact like crazy, and I just look at the floor, or the sky, or wherever I can strain my eyes to look where no human eyes could lie. So in a way, I am training my eyes and my brains to say: please, AVOID things. Don’t see them. Cover them up.
The way this reflects back at me, or, the reason why I’m doing it (horrible writing, sorry) are maybe because looking at someone feels like an offence, and attack, to me. I feel guilty of looking. Aha, I think this uncovers a second and opposite part to the dilemma: I do look, I look too much. I am a peeping tom in many other respects. I am unhealthily curious about other people’s lives. It’s just that this occurs at an inner level. In my inner world, I am thinking and looking at people, poking at them, analysing them, all the time. In the outer world, I want nothing to do with them, because I feel the guilt of what’s going on in my inner world. The same thing happens with my adventurousness: I am not very adventurous in the outer world, but in the inner world I am constantly exploring every single cave and forest. My extroversion is internal, my introversion is external. Well, that’s not unique to me of course, far from it. I am simply describing what I feel in the hopes that someone will relate or find it interesting to read, AND as a way of practising my writing god damn. And of course to get this stuff out, to exorcise it somehow.
So, I think that’s the end of this article. I hope you enjoyed it. Now I’ll write another one.