What do I want to do in life?

I have been horribly confused since a long time. Daily i would wake up with a new ambition to pursue in life. I would read about stuff and become insanely interested in doing that for the rest of my day and well, life! But I would never really do it seriously. I didn’t know where to really go, what to actually do. I have tried my hands at a lot of things. And sadly, succeeded at none. Not because I am a good-for-nothing failure( no one is !) but mostly because I never made any persistent efforts to carry on till the end, the stuff I had picked up, in a swift wave of enthusiasm. From watching tutorial videos on Youtube to taking courses on Coursera, I have tried getting into a plethora of fields but weirdly, faced a common problem everytime. Turned out, my newfound interest in the domain would wear out after a day or two of working at it! Yes, that soon! And as usual, I would be maniacally searching for the next thing to take up and discard soon after my interest began wavering.

Read comics on the internet and became so crazy about them, I began taking Illustrator tutorials the next day, to make one myself! Tanked at that endeavour as soon as I realized that I could mimic and draw just fine, but using imagination to draw characters is totally another ballgame. Got enthusiastic about becoming a fitness blogger when I joined the gym. Went a scale higher and thought of becoming a professional gym trainer. Left the gym in two months and both of those ideas doomed with that adieu . Dancing was yet another attaction where I soon realized I couldn't dance to save my life. Data mining is yet another hot field
I tried exploring but then it is not artistic. Or so I thought. And my brain is not wired like that, to work calcualtively! (Though often I think it is not wired at all and the screws might be popping out somewhere! ) Anyway, I also gave a thought to launching my own startup. But that involves more of rigorous work and less of artistic creation. In my personal opinion. Plus I am too much of a control freak to start anything with anyone as a team. Also, it demands long term commitment and who knows, for how long will I be able to sustain my affection for it! And the list goes on.

On the lookout for constants, I dwindled from one boat to another, unable to give my consistent attention to one thing in particular for a decent amount of time. Was I lacking dedication? Or had I simply not yet found the one thing that truly interests me? Was I at fault for this whole fucked up mess?

Kind of. No, not for giving a shot to a thousand things in the world. But for ignoring the one thing that I do wholeheartedly and can keep doing for an entire day. Wholeheartedly! Or for life, very probably. I had been constantly pushing aside the thing that makes me who I am, in pursuit of flings which never really kept me occupied for a long time, and neither did make me really happy. Actually they didn't make me happy at all. And once I discovered that I already knew what I loved but had been overlooking it for being too simple or too mainstream or too common or for any reason whatsoever, I realized that I was not doing justice to myself and my art. And to whatever I stood for.

And hence I dropped everything else to follow that one thing.


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