Who should these underappreciated bad ass b*tches bang next?

This week Huma Abedin is (again) on the list of intelligent, successful, beautiful women wronged by a husband. There are so many incredible women on that list that I’ve made a fun game out of it called:

Who should this underappreciated bad ass b*tch bang next?

To be clear, none of these women need men to be complete or whole or whatever. But when they’re ready, I’d simply like them to have some options who can meet their needs as such.

Huma Abedin

I’m getting too successful for this shit.

If Huma hadn’t married Mr. Weiner’s weasely ass, I think she might’ve been Huma Clooney. But since that ship has sailed into Amal’s harbor, I have another thought:

Jon Favreau, the former Obama speechwriter, not to be confused with the actor, Jon Favreau.

Even Lincoln is over there in the corner like DAMNNNNN…but I thought Jon Favreau was the one from my favorite film, Chef?

You don’t have to be a Washington insider to know this guy is hot. If you’re like me (an incredibly educated, in-the-know gal) you first read about him in the pages of US Weekly when he dated my girl crush, Rashida Jones. Dating Rashida is enough to make anyone’s hot-guy stock go through the roof, but to top it off, this guy wrote words that came out of Obama’s perfect mouth (I know, I know. Some of you hate Obama. This isn’t about you. This is about getting Huma laid. Thanks.).

If you don’t believe me that he’s a catch, read what his friend and fellow former Obama speechwriter, Jon Lovett said. (Yes, Jon Lovett, not to be confused with Jon Lovitz. Evidently Obama gets off on hiring speechwriters with names similar to more famous men. I see what you mean about him. What a sociopath.) Anyway, here’s what Jon Lovett told the NY Times.

“Jon can talk like an actual person rather than one of those tightly wound D.C. dudes in pleated khakis and a blue shirt.”

So there you have it, he’s hot, chill AF and wears pleatless khakis. Huma, if you’re reading this, full disclosure, I heard Chelsea Handler say something about him having a girlfriend on her show, so maybe do a little research before you make your big move. I’m busy and can’t do everything for you.

Jennifer Garner

Your bad, Ben.

Last summer, we all sighed in unison as news broke that Ben Affleck was hooking up with the nanny, Christine Ouzounian. Remember that? We all hugged and drank malt liquor in my garden hoping it was a bad dream.

Come on, dude. Could you be any more cliche? Did Jude Law, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ethan Hawke, Robin Williams, Gavin Rossdale, etc. teach you nothing? From the outside, it seems Ben may have taken Jen’s sweetness for granted, so she needs someone to remind her that she’s more than a wholesome wife and mother. She’s a grown woman with a lot to offer the next hottie in her life…

Hi, I’m Jake.

Jake Gyllenhaal, because duh. And because he said this last year on Howard Stern,

“There are a lot of beautiful women, and there are opportunities. But at the same time, if you find the right person … I believe in monogamy. I believe in when you meet somebody who’s right, it will be right, and you’ll stay there.”

He’s a little young, and probably not her forever guy, but they could have some fun and make Ben jealous at the very least.


Boy, bye?

This last one is more of a hypothetical. If you’ve listened to Lemonade you know Bey has forgiven Jay for straying, after A LOT of soul searching. I completely support her decision to stay, BUT if she had decided to leave, or if she ever decides to get even…

I ain’t sorry.

Idris Elba because, well also duh. I know I’m not the first one to think of this. They starred in a movie together a few years ago, and the internet went wild over this picture from this year’s Met Gala. My own sweet husband (they’re not all bad) and our friend, Brandt, think Carolina Panther’s QB Cam Newton would be best, but this is my blog so they can shut up.

Another option though…

Just keep livin’ without me Bey.

Matthew McConaughey, now he’s also married, so I don’t actually support this, but I think he’s one of the very few celebrities, and one of the ONLY white guys worthy of her. They’re both from Texas and well…could have a fun night. Have you seen Magic Mike? But, we’ll have to keep these for our imaginations, I know I will. Ahem anyway, you’re safe for now, Jay, just remember in the words of Bey herself, “If you try this shit again, you gon’ lose your wife.”

That completes this edition of “Who should this underappreciated bad ass b*tch bang next?” See you next time!