Photo by Liane Metzler on Unsplash

Does Your Child Trust You?

Heidi McGinty
Nov 2 · 5 min read

The word ‘trust’ fascinates me.

When I teach a child, there are many signals and signs that indicate whether the parent trusts me with my skills and ability to tutor their child.

Trust is magnified in this scenario due to the fact that our children are the most precious gift we will ever behold. I believe there is no other gift in life that holds such great responsibility than nurturing a child — you don’t have to be a birth parent to receive this gift.

How can raising one child hold such a weight of responsibility? I hear you question. Raising one child does not have world impact; Presidents, Prime Ministers, world leaders have impact.

Yes, there are people who hold tremendous responsibility that impact on millions of people such as the President of America, ‘Donald Trump’ or the Prime Minister, ’Boris Johnson’ or ‘Bill & Melinda Gates’ with all the impact they have on their various projects or ‘Sir Richard Branson’ who has thousands of people working under his brand, ‘Virgin’.

Yes, these people have great responsibility, but I challenge the view, that the parent holds the greatest responsibility. In their earliest development they had a parent. The parent’s influence cannot be underestimated.

After watching ‘Inside Bill’s Brain’ series on Netflix, it is clear that Bill’s relationship with his mother was fundamental in his life journey. She had tremendous impact on his beliefs and values and it is these beliefs and values that influence Bill’s decision making throughout his life.

In my article ‘Why do we do what we do?’, I shared my BIG why which came down to one word. If you want to find out my big why, you can read it on the link below.

Trust emerges from all our experiences through life — right from when we were nestled in the womb. Yes, the womb! This is why I reiterate the importance of the parent’s responsibility, in this case, the birth-parent.

If you experience mistrust during your childhood, this will result in a lack of trust later in life.

There are multiple encounters I can recall through my own upbringing around my mother’s behaviours, that made the environment I was raised in unpredictable at times. Maybe this is why I am so aware of sensing ‘trust’ in others. I have learnt over the years to look for it, to help me assess whether this is a safe place for me to be. We all know that the number one survival drive in humans, if we go back in history is safety, right back to the very primitive stage of, ‘Will I be attacked by a lion?’

I can remember an incident when I must have been about 8 to 10 years old. My mother was allergic to cats and disliked animals.

When she purchased the house which I was raised in, it came with two cats — that was the condition of the sale. You buy the house and you inherit the two cats called, ‘Pinky and Perky’.

After a few days, Perky ran away and we never saw him again. Pinky remained and I grew to love this cat. He was my friend, my comfort and my consistency. He was regular with his behaviours. He would always sit on the window sill outside the kitchen about 5 O’clock in the evening, waiting to be fed. He was never allowed inside the main part of the house, due to mum’s allergies, but he was allowed in the conservatory, garden shed or the utility room.

I loved Pinky, I cuddled him endlessly, he was my companion, I had so much love for this cat that even as an adult I feel that strong attachment to him, even now after all these years.

So, what happened?

After arriving home, after a typical day at school, I went to the kitchen to find Pinky. I looked everywhere, he wasn’t in the usual places; on the kitchen window sill, the utility room, garden shed or the conservatory.

Eventually I asked my mother, ‘Where is Pinky?’ This was the question my mother was dreading, I could see from the way she became agitated, flustered and uncertain.

As a child, these cues seemed so easy to detect. I knew from her response that something was wrong, terribly wrong. What she described did not make sense.

She told me that Pinky had jumped off the shed roof and broken his leg. This may seem like a fairly logical excuse but I had much evidence to believe this was a fabricated story.

Firstly, Pinky would jump off the shed roof daily.

Secondly, Pinky had broken his leg in the past. I had strapped it up with two lollipop sticks and taped it like a splinter and it had healed.

I believe children are great detectives at sniffing out whether adults are being authentic or not. I knew my mother extremely well and every ounce of my body knew she was not telling the truth. There is much more to this story, but to fast track you to the end, the conclusion is my mother killed Pinky, but never disclosed the truth to me.

This is a great example of how parenting can impact on your value system.

So, back to my original question, ‘Do your children trust you?’

Do you think you may have trust issues?

If you think you may have trust issues, here are some tips to help overcome this issue:

1. Stay present. Staying present is vital in overcoming your trust issues. …

2. Learn to forgive. Forgiveness is key to trusting again. …

3. Don’t repeat the same mistakes. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over in your relationships and expect different results. …

4. Know what you want. …

5. Let go of fear.

If you feel the urge leave a comment. Do you have strong feelings around trust when it comes to people who have contact with your child?

Click on the link to find out why, we do what we do and what my big WHY is:

https://medium.com/@heidimcginty/parents-why-do-you-do-what-you-do-5c7d537bfbf8

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