Romance and Relationship, but from the perspective of the most single person ever.

There’s this video on YouTube titled ’For Twenty Year Olds Who Have Never Been Loved.’ Well, I’m almost 21 years old, and I’ve never been in a relationship. I hope that doesn’t sound sad. But anyway, here’s why, and also why that can be a good thing. (Also, damn, why do I sound like a motivational speaker?)

Some people have asked me why I’m single. Is it because I want to focus on my academics so much? Is it because I have unrealistic standard based on Shawn Mendes and Peter Kavinsky? Is it because I’m an angry feminist who hates men? Or better yet, is it because I’m actually gay and not ready to come out? — Well. The answer is pretty simple: there hasn’t been anyone who expressed that much interest in me, and I haven’t been trying to get someone to date me. Okay, that’s a little lie: I tried Tinder for a while because I was told to, but I guess it just wasn’t working for me.

It doesn’t take me much to develop a crush on someone, and I’ve had serious and major cases of crushing people before. Nothing resulted in anything, because: a) They have no idea I like them, or b) After I confessed to them I like them since I was brave and stupid, apparently they don’t like me back (*cough* looking at you, crush for five years *cough*). So, yeah, I got to thinking whether the universe inherently wants to screw me over. It’s like, I only want people I can’t have.

Not only a lack of relationships, I have never had a romantic relationship in general as well. I know that some people have had ‘non-relationship’ relationship, or casual flirting, or gebetan as people call it. In my case, nope, not even a sliver of romance. During my teenage years (I’m technically in an adult age now — wow), I spent quite a lot portion of my conscience to figure out what is wrong with me, questioning whether I was too ugly that no boy liked liked me. Because, I thought then, I have a pretty okay personality, I am an excellent conversationalist, and thus I can be a more than decent company — so the reason why I’m unattractive must be because I’m ugly. This kind of thinking led me to crave for validation to make me feel better, and worsened the self-doubt I’ve had.

Romantic love is such an overused concept. You listen to a song and it’s about love. You watch a movie and it’s about two people falling in love. Media feeds us on it. Romantic love is such an overused concept, so much that it feels like you got to have it at one point of your life. Or at least, I felt like that. Having never been in a romantic relation made me feel left out of this…supposedly grandeur experience of falling in love (and loved back in return, wow! What a concept!). At some points, even now, I will be in a situation where my mind unconsciously say, “Ugh, this situation will be so much better if only I have a boyfriend!” — for pragmatic reasons.

It doesn’t help that in our society it seems mandatory to be having a serious relationship when you’re in your 20s because that’s around the “ideal” time to get married. I haven’t been thinking about this until a realization that I’m almost 21 years old dawned upon me. I remember clearly that during elementary school I made this weird life plan that said I wanted to get married by the time I’m 25. And shit, that’s like, four years from now. Before long, my mom will start asking about the boyfriends I never introduce, and my extended relatives will say not-too-subtle hints about it during family gatherings.

Logically speaking, there’s zero thing that makes me in need of a significant other. I consider myself to be on a quite high level in an ‘independency’ spectrum. I’m studyin’, hustlin’, doin’, achievin’ my things. But then, admittedly, there are moments when I have this inexplicable feeling of wanting to have a ~romance~. As an extrovert, being physically alone for an extended period of time bothers me, and yet when I’m super lonely or sad or particularly need to vent, I still find myself hesitating to contact my close friends, because I don’t want to be a burden for them. So, yeah, who doesn’t want to be able to lean and trust on a particular someone that would exclusively be there for you, right?

On the other hand, I also have to admit, there are some upsides of being a perpetually single person. Being alone and not invested in another person so wholeheartedly the way a relationship might require me to, has allowed me to delve deeper into self-understanding. I had (and am having) a chance for myself to figure out who I am and what I want, without necessarily basing off of the needs and presence of a significant other. Well, it’s not that it’s necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I have quite a few friends who are in a very supportive relationship and allowed them to grow and learn together (in a very cute, sweet way no less. Ugh). But in a way, this allows me to construct myself on my own views, with my own terms. As someone with a severe case of insecurity, being alone forced me to rely on myself for meaningful validation. I have to be able to be there for myself, deal with my shits and breakdowns, and et cetera.

Being alone has allowed me allocate my time to unapologetically focus on myself. I didn’t have to allocate it for, like, mandatory Saturday night out (that’s a thing, right??), or constantly text that person. I have room, emotionally and physically, to grow as my own person. And anyway, increasing my ‘bargaining position’ as in personal qualities will perhaps help me land someone who has amazing quality (HAHA). Being an observant of my friends’ love lives as well as someone who is asked for relationship advice (no idea why, weird friends.), I also got to learn stuff: the difficulty of commitment, the hardship of distance, the petty fights. Well, since I like learning, I consider this as a practice.

One of the most precious advice I’ve gotten in life is that I have to love myself before I can love another or make other person love me. That’s cliché as hell, I swear to God, but still no less true. If I was in relationship during, say, high school, I probably would’ve gotten a validation of my self-worth, but that won’t be coming from myself — if we broke up then it would break some of my confidence as well. I realized I didn’t want that. I need something more permanent from myself, for myself. A certainty amidst the uncertainty of life.

It took me a while, but being single during a crucial era of growing to be a functioning adult has led me to figure out just how much I worth and deserve. While still whining about my singleness at times, I now believe that if I were to have a significant other, it would be because I want to and because I super like that person, not because I need to. To fellow singles out there, don’t ever settle for less, babe.

*

A friend of mine who does Tarot-reading, Kak Cinti, read my cards and remarked that I have so.much.love in me that I’m just looking for a way to channel them to a someone, that’s why I’m always complaining about being single. I was surprised to hear this because I’ve always thought I have so.much.hate in me. But I realized what she said is kind of true. Also, like my queen Ariana said, I’ve got so much love, got so much patience. ;)

• Edit: Apparently there’s a theory in the fields of psychology by Erik Erikson that says; before the stage of intimacy, there needs to be a completed identity stage. Hence, know yourself first. Thanks to Natha for sharing this with me!