I’m talking and I can’t shut up

I am not sure if it’s a personality trait, or an autistic one, but there are so many conversations that I cannot remember how they ended. After I wonder if I just walked away without social pleasantries or if there was a proper pause and there was clearly a marked end to the conversation. Most of the time I can’t honestly say I know which it might be. Could I be so odd that I just decide a conversation is over and walk away? I never imagined myself to be, but it would explain a lot.

One of the reasons that I loathe small talk is that I am a very open person. I overshare. A. Lot.

If someone asks me a question I assume that they really want to know the answer. I am honest to a fault and cannot seem to determine when they are truly curious or just making small, patronizing talk. Either way I answer, and answer, and answer… and so many times catch myself in the talk saying to myself “Shut up, quit talking, can’t you see their eyes have glazed over?”

I don’t know the normal social etiquette that others use to exit a conversation. I can imagine this isn’t always the case. I’m sure there have been times I’ve looked at my watch and said “Oh dear, must go.” or something to that effect — but if I’m the one talking instead of being talked to I catch myself constantly telling and explaining and over explaining things to the point of irritation.

I know it’s not the end of the world, and I do try to make things interesting — but I wonder what people really think about me. Do they see me coming and avoid me, or are there those who humor me? I really don’t know. I do know that there are some people who truly do like me and think that I have much to offer, I just find myself avoiding some of those people because they seem to want something from me that I cannot give them.

The intricacies of social interaction is so profoundly complicated. My daughter told me that it would be so much easier if people had tails like dogs — and if it was wagging you knew that they were happy. What a great clue that would be to those of us who just can’t tell.