On hold

I have worked on phones most of my life. As long as I have a purpose I don’t mind talking on the phone — business always has a purpose — so I know what is expected of me and I am able to ask anyone for anything on the phone. I am not the kind of person who enjoys making social calls, or answering a ringing phone. High anxiety.

Once I’m on the phone with someone who actually wants to talk with me I can talk for quite some time, but getting to that point takes quite a lot of reassurance.

I always hated putting people on hold. It always felt like a popularity contest. You wait here while I speak to a more important person. That wasn’t something that ever sat well with me. Lately my life feels so on hold.

I feel like I’ve taken a rest on the shore while the river has gone on without me. I keep trying to dip my toe into the water, but it’s moving so fast I’m afraid that I’ll be over my head and drown. Everyone has moved on without me. It’s been hard to see people who know me, the expectation or disappointment in their eyes is profoundly shaming. I feel like such a failure.

I got dehydrated yesterday after a bout of sickness and for the two hours before I realized I was dehydrated I literally lost the will to live. I was morose and fatalistic, nothing was working for me, I was sure everyone hated me and looked at me like a burden. I have never felt like this before. Sure I’ve been depressed, but not like this. It’s like the veil has been pulled back and my denial about myself has been shown for what it is and was and I feel like I was kidding myself about everything — love, life and happiness — and that I’d never be worthy of any of it again.

It was better when I got hydrated, but it still left me rattled. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get back into the flow of life again.