Skeptics need not apply
I have found that as I tipped closer to the autism diagnosis I withdrew from community. The strain and drain became too much to bear at a time when I was feeling fragile and like I was unable to withstand anyone’s skepticism. I am a believer, I trust and accept, many times to my own injury — and the last thing that I ever would call myself is a skeptic. I have grown up surrounded by skeptics, not in the classic unbeliever way that the word conjures up — but in the way that the skeptics in my life have held me or my opinions, thoughts and ideas up for scrutiny in ways that I would never do to another human being.
Skepticism feels like sandpaper to my soul and far too often I crumble beneath the weight of it. The people who should most support me and surround me are many times those who doubt, undermine and squash the things I need them to see, honor and hold dear.
I know they love me, but so often I cannot feel it because their skepticism speaks so much louder than their reassurances.
I haven’t experienced this in my close family in regards to the diagnosis, but I can feel people’s eyes rolling before I even enter a room sometimes. I have so little energy for small talk at the best of times, and I am so consumed with this part of my life that if I begin to talk I know it will eventually get around to this, and it is so precious to me — it is a key that unlocks my past — it is too precious to have out there to be questioned or disrespected. I don’t need their approval, I just cannot endure their lack of support, especially right now.
I think that is why this professional diagnosis is so important to me — I feel like no one will believe me if I don’t have some stamp of approval from a professional. Telling people that I have a black belt in autism doesn’t seem to do the trick.
So my circle has grown so small. I have few to share the strange joy that will come with knowing I was right. I posted on facebook today to tell anyone who cared to look — the most helpful article — I could have written it myself — it is so very close to my experience and life — I have had a few notice, like and even others who comment and voice their love and support — but it would mean so much if those who I considered face to face friends could be among those — that someone could reach out and message me, or just tell me that they support me — it would mean so much — but it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen. One new friend has been so loving — her words have been salve to my soul — I guess this will really tell me who my friends are — I can’t honestly say that I want them around if they can’t support me in this, I guess I’m better off without them.