Trust but verify.

Tuesday is about the next step in the process of getting a formal diagnosis. I don’t know that it’s crucial, I’m 50 years old — but somehow I need this. I need not to feel crazy, or patronized or like others will judge me if I come to this conclusion only on my own.

I have spent the winter isolating myself. I love solitude, but up until now I haven’t cut myself off like I have this past few months. I rarely go out, I had been working from home, that ended, but no other work has come my way. Finding a job is more work than work. I want this process to be an external stamp or validation somehow. Outside validation has always been far too important to me. I can’t tell if this is just a personality thing or if this is an autism thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever know. But in my deepest places I want that affirmation that I am not crazy. That I am not imagining things or making up excuses. That my life here has been an uphill climb, as Ginger Rogers said “backwards and in high heels”. Life is just harder on the spectrum.

I have been tempted to make a list from birth of every single thing I can think of that points to this place and this diagnosis. I am so anxious that trusting the process will not give me the outcome that I want. That the process might not be trustworthy scares the shit out of me. I want to trust the process. But doctors and those in authority have not always had my back and have many times treated me like I was not believable. Skepticism makes me crazy.

So I wait. I will prepare, and I am forced to trust the process I guess. I will not let it sideline me though if it doesn’t have my best interest at heart. Trust but verify.