Argh, at least 10 times through the day I think “Oh, that’s what I should write about tonight” but I don’t write it down so my brain sits blank as I stare at the page in front of me — what should I write about?
For some reason my brain only seems to work responsively. I am like a switch waiting for the flip — it doesn’t matter what it is, writing, housework, list making, creativity, conversations — as long as I have something to initiate the reaction or response I can do it — but for some reason I don’t seem capable of initiating things on my own without great labor.
I literally sat for hours today trying to think of things that I could occupy myself with. It’s pathetic. So I read, surf, binge watch, play games, waste time. All because I honestly cannot think of what I should be doing. It was only because I bumped into some paperwork that triggered my mind to help me remember that I had to do some research and paperwork for scholarships for my son’s next year at uni.
Once I got going I was fine, but getting there took me literally hours. I think that’s why I enjoy work or school — others set the criteria and I meet it — the schedule, structure and assignments are given to me and I fulfill them. Without the prompts I seem unable to function. This saddens me greatly. I am a 50 year old woman who is capable of so much, but seemingly unable to think my way out of a cardboard box.
Damn I miss work. And school. Meaning and purpose. Something bigger than me to think about or work toward. Structure. I need some structure. I will be so thankful when this diagnosis appointment happens. Does anyone else on the spectrum struggle with this?