You Think You’re Vulnerable? Hah..

Heidi Steele
Nov 4 · 5 min read

Last year, my sister sent me an Amazon link for a book with the title Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown. She said I could use the lecture on vulnerability. I laughed to myself thinking about how wrong she was, and I decided to read it just to prove it. One year later, I finally finished reading that book. No. I devoured that book. I read it and re-read it and applied it to nearly every situation in my life.

My sister was totally right, even though I didn’t believe her at the time. I was terrible at being vulnerable. I still am, but at least I know it now! The principles Brown taught about being vulnerable changed my life forever. Now, whenever I find myself trying to back out of an uncomfortable situation (learning to play tennis, starting a business, having a difficult conversation with my husband, etc.), I repeat to myself, “I am daring greatly; I am daring greatly; I am in the arena; I am in the arena,” and I put my fists back up and show my wounds.

Underestimating vulnerability is an epidemic in our society. We grow up misunderstanding the difference between shame and guilt and end up feeling like we are never enough. As Brown put it, shame is the feeling that we are a bad person, instead of feeling like we made a bad choice (guilt). The way she describes how our true nature yearns for connection and yet cowers at the sight of showing our true self hits home. It brands truth on your heart. It makes you realize how hard you have been on yourself. It shows you where you stand in the colosseum. Are you a spectator? Or are you a fighter?

In 1 Timothy 6:12, Paul tells Timothy to “fight the good fight.” Walking into that arena requires a fight. Whether you are walking home from an unfortunate layoff, walking into church for the first time in years, or walking away from a heart-wrenching divorce, it requires a fight to find yourself again.

I started to think about what I’m fighting against in life. I’ve never had a big battle with divorce or death or mental health. I have been pretty sheltered my entire life. My biggest enemy is myself and what the world puts inside my head about what it means to be perfect (I’m looking right at you Instagram). Why is it that when you scroll through that feed you feel like the world is defining you?

In the book, Irresistible, Adam Atler explains how comparison is key to behavioral addictions when it comes to instagram. Engineers purposefully create competition by measuring likes, comments, and views. Over the years, people have found that the more consistently beautiful your photos are, the more likes you’ll receive. Everyone seems to be an aspiring photographer these days and many don’t post unless the picture and caption are perfect (guilty).

Struggling with comparison on or off social media comes easily to most of us. I am one of them. My sister never seemed to have that problem. Ever since I can remember, she would go to school in baggy jeans and no makeup. She would talk in funny accents and make friends with every body. I was the quiet sister who had every outfit carefully picked out the night before school and every eyelash equally lathered with mascara before I went out. I have always inherently cared about what people think of me, but I think it’s been a blessing and a curse — the blessing being my house is always clean, and the curse being the inhibition to be myself around others. It’s always been that way. I’m only just realizing how to explain the shame I sometimes feel and how to redefine the way I look at myself compared to others. It seems to all come down to being vulnerable and self-compassionate.

“To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.” (Brown 110)

For example, I have come to find it very hard to be myself in my community. I can’t attend church or a high fitness class without thinking about what other people will be wearing and wondering if anyone will notice me, let alone introduce themselves and ask me to hang out (that would be unheard of!). Certain road blocks seem to pop up everywhere when it comes to building friendships with other adults. People seem too busy, too involved, or too different in terms of age or status. But I’m beginning to realize that those things aren’t the actual road blocks that stand in the way of building relationships. The true road block is vulnerability — the only thing that seems to stand in the way of human connection.

“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” (Brown 146)

While fighting for more meaningful relationships is part of my battle with vulnerability, it’s not the only one I’m up against. I find myself shuddering at the reproach I get from experts when I timidly share my business ideas. I feel myself falter when I think about the responsibility that lies ahead as a mother to Liza and my future children. And the most important battle of all is my fight for faith in Jesus Christ in a world that disorients the very essence of morality. In the end, the greatest of my hope anchors on the ability for me to say what Paul said in his last recorded letter to Timothy, “I have fought the good fight.” (2 Timothy 4:7).

Getting through whatever struggle with vulnerability we may have won’t come easy, but we need to start somewhere. Start by being more patient with yourself. Start by smiling at the stranger sitting next to you. And finally, start by just admitting that you may not be as vulnerable as you thought — something I should’ve done a long time ago.

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