Now what?

As I sit here, almost done with my first year of university, I start realizing how my short ‘adult’ — or adult from my perspective at least — years have been nothing but a series of waiting for something to make me happy, never actually enjoying what’s going on around me.

I remember a couple of years ago before I started taking life so seriously, a time when all my worries and fears came from bullies in school, when all my interests were playing video games and reading novels. Back then, I didn’t even think of what the future could hold, and then a shitstorm of bad grades 4 years back acted as a huge slap to the face, I started realising how big of an impact all of ‘this’ had on my future, I started taking everything I didn’t care about seriously, started revolving my whole life around university applications and what I’m going to need to do to reach that coveted prize, a place in a top university. It was all I could think about and I put it above all else. For 3 years, I’ve been waiting to be where I am, I’ve had such intense tunnel vision that it feels like I’ve forgotten the things that I used to enjoy so much. Yeah, I still watch the TV shows I like and I still read my books. But what else is there? I feel like my personality has not evolved one bit in the last 3 years. My tunnel vision, my waiting for the big thing to happen took all my focus and attention from the ‘smaller’ things that I’ve come to realise, should have meant a lot more to me than they did.

Mind you, 3 years might not sound like a long time for some people, but for someone who’s only 19, these are all my ‘grown-up’ years, and now that I’ve accomplished what I was working for, I feel empty.

I’m here now, where I wanted to be for so long, and I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know who I am anymore.

I’ve been so busy working to get here, then so busy with being sick and it’s made me realise, I haven’t actually just sat there and ‘enjoyed the moment’ in such a long time.

It’s a mix of thoughts that I’m having, do I feel empty because I didn’t let myself enjoy these moments? They say it’s these moments that define you, after all. Is this all just regret that I didn’t let myself fully enjoy the moments and let them help me grow, instead of just being the same person I was 3 years ago, minus some of the interests I had then?

This isn’t an i’m-depressed sort of thing, it’s just a — well fuck it, I don’t know what this is. Maybe now that I know where I went wrong, I’ll start, as cheesy as saying it is, enjoy the moment I’m living, and stop obsessively thinking about the future? Highly doubt it, can’t imagine my life without tunnel vision.

Now what?