The Past|The Present|The Fighter

Before you read this next article, please remember that it is not my intention to make you feel sad or pity me, my motto is to turn low moments into high ones, to ensure we turn a negative into a positive as best we can. There may be parts of this blog that may seem awful, don’t confuse it for something negative, please see it as beneficial and helpful just as it has been for me. This is rather personal, and with social media and the like that has made our lives as transparent as we let it, this is more about why I started blogging about the inspiration of happiness to begin with. It is in no way shape or form a cry for help, it is to raise awareness of abuse. There are people that are going to read this from my family, my friends, my colleagues, acquaintances to strangers. It doesn’t scare me and it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable, well not anymore anyway.

I have been hiding behind a facade of lies, or maybe it was just a sense of denial within my own mind to deal with my battles of the past that I thought were buried six feet under the soil of the earth we walk. A past I didn’t allow to surface, never wanting it to be raised from the dead. It had no right to be part of my existence. It had no right to consume the tiniest microscopic cells in my body.

For thirty six years, I have been denying the angst my abuser caused just so the pain and hurt wouldn’t show. I didn’t want my loved ones to feel it, to breathe it to live it. It was just easier to ignore the fact than to tackle the truth head on.

I always wondered if my outlook in life would have been any different to what it is now. What if I hadn’t been at the hands of an evil sick demented person? What would it feel like to not have to replay the act like a horror movie on constant rewind. Or wake up from nightmares to a feeling of being wedged under a concrete wall not able to breathe properly and unable to move an inch. I would feel the fear travel its way from the core of my body, slowly and painfully seeping its way through my veins, replacing the life it is meant to give with a burning sensation of disgust, sadness, anger, and self pity. How dare what he did make me feel like I was worthless; how dare what he did make me feel violated; how dare what he did make me feel sick and how dare what he did take the innocence away from a little girl.

If only I had the mind of a forty seven year old in that eleven year old body.

My past has and continues to play an enormous part of who I am today. I do wonder what type of woman I would have ended up being if these acts of evil did not exist. I do struggle to be myself sometimes. I find it easier to listen to people than to be the conservationist. I might come off as being snobby or rude in a crowd or with a couple of people. I might also be mistaken for being boring, but I can vouch that I am one of the most compassionate, selfless, understanding although damaged human being there is on the planet. I am a listener, I am empathetic, I am drawn to people who have a story, I’m not saying that I can only talk to those that have experienced trauma in their lives, but I just feel their pain no matter how big or small and I can relate to them, they’re like a human magnet.

For those of you that have not been traumatised by a past similar to mine, I am envious, I wouldn’t even know what it would feel like to not have that engraved in my brain, but it is my past and one that is part of my soul and will be till my time here on earth is done. I also know there are lives that you may have lived that I am grateful I did not experience. We all have a story. It’s how we deal with it that is important.

What happened to me as a child does have a lot to do with my present ideals, my goals, my dreams and my realities. I have decided that I didn’t wanted that part of my life to dictate how I lived. Life is way too precious to waste. I have so much to offer, and I do not plan on stopping until I find a way to showcase them.

I cannot and will not blame this type of trauma on my behaviour, nor the road I choose to venture down. But anyone who has been through pain or trauma in their lives, knows it is something that will always be in our makeup, its greater than the darkest clouds that consume our minds on what seems like every minute of every day, but it’s what we do with these feelings that distinguishes how we overcome these moments.

I am a fighter, I have learnt this amazing strong courageous trait from my beautiful parents, my Angels. The word fighter in my eyes isn’t how strong you are, it isn’t how hard you have taken a hit or how precise your punch is, it’s about being knocked down and out but not defeated. It’s about resilience. I may be battered and bruised, my heart sometimes clouded with the darkest shade of pitch black there is, but I can tell you from the pit of my core that I am not defeated.

Everyday I am learning to cope with segments of my childhood, and so much has occurred over the years that I have come to the realisation that I am no longer going to blame myself for. I am bigger and better than that. There is a life to be made, and I choose to live it the best I can. I cannot and will not be subjected to something I had no control of.

I have been writing about how we need to be more positive, know what we want in life to grab it and just run with it. I for one can say that writing and hopefully inspiring others has brought out so much of what makes me who I am today. I don’t write to prove anything to anyone, I don’t say or think I am a know it all, I don’t study cases or read articles on Google to make what I want to say easier, it’s all about my own experiences, whether they be good or bad. It’s just my thoughts being transferred from my mind to paper with the hope that it can help another person tackle their own deep dark moments. It’s letting you know that it is ok to feel the pain, it is ok to hurt, and it is ok to just want to crawl under a rock for a few hours or maybe even days. We are not alone, and I just want to spread awareness that it isn’t shameful and it should not be embarrassing to talk about or to seek help.

How one person deals with what they are going through will differ to another. Some people deal with it by going away for a few days, this is beneficial in getting in touch with our own roots, listening to our deep inner soul and tackling these feelings on our own, a little alone time is sometimes the best cure for a weary mind and we all need that time to ourselves, or we seek advice from our partners, a brother or sister, mum or dad, a friend, a colleague, or from a counsellor. These are all very helpful but it is also completely up to us to figure out what it is we need. We are the only ones who know how we feel and we are the only ones that have the answers to our questions.

My therapist is my laptop, it’s my readers, and it’s the feeling I get when I hear that I have helped someone in some shape or form in their lives. This is what it’s all about for me.

How or what you do to help decide what makes you happy, or the path you long to walk upon is up to you, just go for it. We have so much to live for and what a shame it would be and an injustice to ourselves if we let these people or scenarios determine our future and our happiness.