I have realized it has been a while i haven’t done it…
that i haven’t fully committed to my vulnerability
With experience I became good at witnessing and accepting my mistakes, my imperfections, my negative emotions, take a step back, understand the pattern and grow from it. And yes, I sometimes fall in the trap of lowering myself or let the fraud syndrome take over for a moment.
However, truly sitting with my vulnerability is a different state than dealing with highs and lows. It is allowing to give a true voice to the deepest fears.
It is not a comfortable place to be, I hear you. Who wants to go there after all?
Here is my formula to reconnect with my vulnerability (even if it was not my original intention believe me) : I have been on and off at my parent’s for 1,5 weeks in the past 3 weeks. First it was just supposed to be a visit for a week, for my mum’s birthday and to pay my bi-annual visit. The game changer has been that, on my way, I booked my tickets back to Bali. It was not making any sense to go back to Barcelona considering the time frame of my next travel. So I ended up staying at their house in between 2 lonely stays in their country house and short trip in Paris…
When you’re in a life change process, and you’re in the process of building a business and making it financially sustainable… well… Being too much with your parents can be…. pretty confronting.
It is not so much what parents do, or how they express fears, concerns or beliefs,… it all comes from a place of love. It is more about how you unconsciously resonates, how it triggers something deeply in you. How it makes you remember how it felt “before”… You thought it was gone, you thought you sorted “this” all out. And all of a sudden it comes back straight in your face. Deeply anchored patterns, that are not about your parents, but your own relationship with your parents. The story you built in your head when you were still a little kid.
This, ladies and gentlemen, this awakens raw vulnerability.
This fear of not being enough, this need for validation that never really goes away, this fear of failure, and (bigger than any other for me) the fear of being rejected and abandonned…
When these feelings knock at the door like they do right now for me, It implies a profound commitment to meet them face to face, finally, and accept that they are part of the picture. That they are also here to tell you something, even if you don’t want to let them shape your decisions.
Acknowledge that I am shaky, that I might fail, that I might fall, that it might hurt, …
To then better grow back in the light, hope and positivity of « I am grounded, I am worth it, I am empowered, I am resilient, I am loved, I can and I will succeed, I will make this work! »
And I know I won’t be back in that positive place until I sit at the table with my vulnerability.
It is now, it is time. I am back at the country house for a few days, by myself. Wish me a nice experience.