The honest response of your former Remain Tory MP to your letter to support Brexit bill amendments

Dear constituent,

Thank you for contacting me about supporting the Lords' amendments to the Article 50 bill. I'm going to ignore that you wrote to me about amendments. I'm just going to pretend you're not respecting the "will of the people" (and still I can read, I have an Oxford degree after all. A solid 2:2). In case you haven't noticed, we live in a direct democracy now.

To support the claim that we now live in a direct democracy, I cite the large number of people who came to vote lest 48.1/51.9 seems like an almost even split. So, now I’ve established 51.9% is a landslide majority. That’s an alternative mathematical fact you need to keep in mind. Like 2+2 = 5 in that wonderful Orwell novel we’re now acting out. "If our great leader says that 51.9% of voters is the will of the British people — well, then it is."

In fact, I have abdicated my political responsibility, my task as an MP to represent your best interest, and now refer to the "will of the people" as the mandate to pursue the starkest of Brexits without safety net, or without securing the rights of people who came here in good faith and have made their lives here.

You may ask why I am doing this. After all, I did campaign for remain. My boilerplate answer is that I am a democrat, which means I believe fervently in direct democracy. To be honest, I campaigned for Remain because I believed — like that stupid Cameron and pretty much everyone at the time (check the bookies) — that Remain would win. I've changed tack now since I think Brexit presents an excellent opportunity for us Tories to take back control.

Labour is still in shambles with their deluded lexit leader, bless him. So we’re now bending to the most extreme among our ranks. I reckon there are fewer than two dozen heavy eurosceptics among us. They’re a diverse bunch of people who dream of the Empire, shillings and ounces, who despise human rights, who deeply detest immigrants. But they make a lot of noise. Can you blame them? They’ve waited for this moment since that other referendum of 1975, you know, the one that wasn’t set in stone. We're going with them because we can't afford a Labour-style meltdown.

Sooner or later of course the people will realise they’ve been duped. By then I hope to be well rewarded for my loyalty to the party. And let’s face it, there is no real opposition. Who are people going to vote for, Lib Dem? Or the Greens? Nope, our image is unassailable. If it all goes south, we can all blame Brussels. Win-win.

So no, I don’t care about your worries about the lack of safety net against a disastrous Brexit. I don’t care because I am rich anyway, and the economic fallout won’t hurt me. I sent you this prefab response because you’re one of my constituents. But honestly, even you can tell that my heart is not really in it. I can come up with endless variations on the template: will of the people, I am a democrat, there should be no attempt to rejoin by the backdoor, the best possible deal for my constituents, etc. etc. I hear the government is working on an automatic generator of these letters so I don’t need to waste time writing them.

Until that time, please don’t bother writing to me. Because, new alternative fact: those who voted Remain, that tiny minority, also overwhelmingly believes in the will of the people.

Thank you

Your Tory former remain, but now ardently Brexit, MP

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