it fades away as i keep pushing. it’s only barely human now. a shade, a shape, no more than a blur that fills the gap of an individual. i pretend not to see it. the thing might notice. i don’t touch or talk to it — unless i feel like it. it’s a shade. it doesn’t care, it doesn’t complain, it doesn’t feel. it fills the gap and i can use that.
the thing seems to exist by my side, i can hear it eating my food — is it mine? no, wait, it eats its own food. one worry less. it drinks, it sits, it sleeps. i think. i avoid looking at it with anything beyond the corner of my eye. i don’t want it to notice me. it might think it is someone. it might show a conscience. it might talk. it might feel. no, no. it won’t. it can’t, right? it’ll go away if i stay away.
tonight i laid beside it to sleep. i touched it. i felt it. i didn’t really talk to it. it might feel. it might grow. no, it, no. stay there. i don’t really worry about it. it is, all in all, a pleasant it. i just let it be — but not too much, it might grow. it sometimes talk to me, and i talk back to it, not that i can have a real conversation with it. it is not a person, it’s a thing, it doesn’t feel right. right? right? it scares me, but i like it like as it is. always there beside me, always at touch range, always a listening ear. that’s what it is, it is fragments. a ear. a mouth. sometimes a pair of legs. a fetching hand when i need to. when i need to. when i need it. when i need.
it confuses me. i don’t know how to act around it. maybe i’ll just keep pushing it away from me. or leave. yes, that’s it. no. no. i miss it now. it is mine — a possession, a thing i don’t want to lose but refrain from getting too close. it might feel, it might show something. and i like it as it is. sometimes i even name it, call it, wake it up. but then i get tired, and i push it back again. i want it. no, i can’t want it, can i? it’s just it. no, i can’t want it as it is. but i can keep it as it is. it’ll never go away. it’ll never leave me alone, right? it won’t feel bad, it can’t feel, right?