i'm not better than you. never tried to be. never even believed i could if i tried, and that doesn’t bother me. you’re sensitive as fuck — not good, not non-judgmental, sensitive. what i have in empathy you have in a inate ability to suck other people’s problems, issues, values, doubts, beliefs, onto yourself.
that doesn’t bother because i don’t want to be better than you. i don’t want to be you. i want to be by your side, i want to help, listen, talk, fight and discuss with you, and for that i have to be me, myself. my self. and self is a tricky concept to grasp — we’ve had this conversation a million times now, over a subject or another.
but back to you.
you’re tired, brotha. you’re tired and you’ve tried, you don’t seem to be able to stop trying. you try for yourself, you try for others, you take my place, you take pauses in your life to deal with someone(s) else issues. and that’s good, that's amazing. but that’s stupid. and that’s what your ego keeps trying to teach you — that you’re stupid.
you’re not — and that was not a question.
you can’t power through life, issues, doubts, friends, conflicts. you can’t power through anything. you need to fail. you know you need to fail, and yet you neglect that fact — that’s what it is, a fact. things won’t be different, the environment won’t take a break on taking a shit over your head, and you always forget to dodge. you take it. you clean it. you fight it. you accept it, yes, but in order to ultimately deny it.
anger isn’t good, anger isn’t bad. necessity isn’t none of those either: they’re tools. i’d say you have to learn how to control them to your own advantage, but you know that, you do that. you just don’t do it enough. you don’t try enough, ’cause you keep trying to strive, you insist on paybacks, on proving yourself right. and that’s bullshit. one cannot tell right without accepting wrong in the first place — otherwise you’ll just lose (and loosen) the sense and focus over your goals.
“woah that was nice” x “woah that was pretty bad” doesn’t equal for they are not fragments, those are the wholes. and i’m not talking about that scaling-middle-ground bullshit. that’s all that is. bad days, hours, minutes, seconds, followed by good ones. and you know how to recognize the most important bits?
’cause the really important bits are those that not matter, the neutral ones. stoicism was and is a lie, yes. autosufficiency is for pharaohs and gods. you need reinforcement, you need outside strenght, but for that you need to learn how to stop caring. caring, not helping. you gotta let yourself put on that “fuck it all” facade mask. and it is a facade, ‘cause it fades. it will fade, on it’s own. and yet you cannot ever seem to decide if you can rush into things or sit on your corner waiting for them to happen. you need to move.
shitty tattoo over broken equipment? explain it. fix it. give it a shot. ignore the comments.
it’s not about the growing of beans inside cotton-filled jars, it’s about the time you take to watch and perceive their growth. and sometimes they won’t: they’ll die. and there’s only one mindset to deal with that:
welp, that happened, time to try again.
it sucks, it hurts, but you’re a person. people suffer, people strive, people cannot be perfect, robots are perfectly percet. and you know what is feels like to be a robot.