My personal experiment: how people react when they find out you have been through some shit

The shit
I was in a long term relationship for almost 11 years. On our 11th anniversary, my boyfriend called me and said that he woke up that morning with some “dark thoughts” in his mind and that he needed a break. Seriously? A break? I mean, are you 15 years-old or what? We had nothing planned for celebrating our anniversary because I’ve had surgery three days before so I wasn’t expecting him to come by but I was totally not prepared for…a break up.
On the next day, I asked him to come by so we could talk and figure it out. He came and started saying that he was confused, he didn’t know what he wanted in his life. That was completely out of the blue because at that moment we have been planning to move to another country for over a year. I know it would involve major changes in our lifestyle but we’ve been talking and discussing it for so long. Even before it became a plan it has been our dream to build our lives somewhere better for several years. I couldn’t understand how suddenly he didn’t know what he wanted anymore.
As he was trying to convince me that he was lost and needed some space to think things over I said that I didn’t believe in breaks. There is no such thing as having a break, a pause, so things will come back to normal. For me, in a relationship, either you deal with whatever the issue is together or you part ways. There’s no break. I said that to him and he said “It’s not like that, I don’t want to break up with you, I love you so much. Don’t think this is it. I just need some space”. Well…
It took him two weeks (two long weeks) to finally have the courage to say that we were over.
We were together for so long that I truly believed that if someday one of us realized that we were not in love anymore, or didn’t want the same things, we would act like adults and discuss it. Apparently I overestimated his maturity and my sense of reality.
He wrecked me. It’s not about friendship, love, sex,… it sucks losing all of those things for sure but trust was the biggest loss. He broke up with me over the phone. Two days later he came to my house so we could talk like adults and end it in good manners. He looked me in the eyes and said he didn’t want to hurt me. He said to me he had never being unfaithful and that we could still be friends. I only asked him two things: to be kind to Julia, his niece, while telling her about our break up (because I knew this could be devastating on her, and she’s only 12); and I asked for him to let me see our two pitbulls, our kids, once in a while.
He looked deep in my eyes and agreed with all of that.
A couple of months later I found out that on the very moment he was looking me in the eyes and saying he was sorry and that he would be kind to our niece and dogs) he was already living with another women that God knows for how long he’s been seeing her, that he had already told our niece (in the very opposite kind fashioned style), and that his new girlfriend really hated my guts so I could never see my dogs again.
I’ve always been a person with trust issues. I never felt like I could rely on someone else but me because I was always under the impression that people would always disappoint me. It seems like I was wiser as a kid.
At that point of my story I wonder what you, my dear reader, is thinking. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me because shit happens to everyone and I am okay with that. It was intense, confusing, harmful, painful, but it was worthy after all. The thing is, though, that if I was reading this narrative and if I knew someone has been through such an intense event in his or her life, if I knew he or she had issues with trust even before that, I would consider that, maybe that person is in a delicate position trust-wise. I believe that, with a little empathy, I would imagine how painful this might have been and that I would have to take care not to simply step on that person’s heart for no reason at all. I would. Interestingly, most people won’t.
I am not sure, yet if people lack the capacity of being empathetic or if they simply don’t care. However, I’ve been running a social experiment on my own with that life experience of mine and I am astonished to see how little people mind if they harm someone else or not.
The experiment
I consider myself a strong woman. I am fragile in a way because I am intense and passionate. If I let myself feel it I feel it all. But I am just as reasonable as I am emotional and, in that case, even if it kills me on the inside I have a good sense to be reasonable about it and not simply burst into flames. Moreover, I am loyal and honest, which means that if I understand your point of view I would respect it. I will certainly let you know I disagree, but I would never say something to you and than turn my back and act in the opposite direction. With me, what you see is what you get.
When I tell people my story I do it because they asked me for. I never come to strangers and start a conversation like “Well you know I almost died crying for my ex-boyfriend?”. They ask me about something…and this topic comes up. I say something light with no details but people want to hear more. And that is when my social experiment begins.
Methodology
I simply tell people what they want to hear. I don’t mind giving deep personal details, nor do I mind just saying it briefly and moving over on the conversation. I simply act as people demand from me.
Results
I didn’t have much time nor sampling good enough to come up with consistent data, but I already can point out some trends. I identified three different personas regarding how they react when they are before this episode of my life.
The Nonchalant. Some people really don’t bother. The topic emerges like “I haven’t been single for a long time” and the other one says “Really? Why not?” and I say “I just came out from a long term relationship about a year ago” and they go like “How long?” and after I answer “11 years” they usually just say “Wow” and move on with the conversation . You might think these would be the worst because they might sound cold and distant but they are in fact awesome. They are plain, honest, straightforward.
The Curious. Some people act interested. They want to know what happened in more details. Every detail he or she asks me for I give. I am a strong woman, I can visit this particular hell over and over again. It hurts, but I know there isn’t much I can do about it so it doesn’t really matter. Usually, these kind of people seem detached from feelings. It’s as if I was talking about a movie I watched recently: they enjoy the narrative but seems to not be aware that an actual human being was harmed during the “footage of these scenes”.
The Understanding. This one is the particular type of person who has actually made me write down this story. They are evil. They want to hear your story and as you tell them they give you constant feedbacks regarding how well they understand you, usually even throwing some person experiences. You are there saying that people used you, lied to you and hurt you and they go nodding. They even make you feel sorry for them too as over time you see that he or she suffered something quite similar. They are very understanding, well enough so you put your defendes down. Just so they can strike you with a painful disappointment. I don’t have enough data to support the reason why they act this way. But I imagine two possibilities.
The first one is that they are really hurt and immature. They couldn’t actually understand what happened to them so they are not sure on how to deal with it. Maybe, they see others who passed through similar situations as weak people they could somehow revenge their former experiences. Or maybe, they are so immature that they don’t realize they are doing the same thing to others that has been done to them. I feel sorry for them.
The second one though is the most disgusting on in my personal opinion. They are manipulative in nature, probably as a defence mechanism. They establish a deep and meaningful connection with others in order to feel confident about themselves. They are selfish and self-centred, they are only interested in making you admire them. They gain the confidence you still have. They wait until your wounds are exposed and than they act with the most powerful weapon there is available to attack people suffering from mistrust and lack of confidence (upon others and themselves). They use indifference. Until some point, you start to believe that he or she is someone that is actually understanding and feeling for you. When you start to feel comfortable again… they go away.
Indifference
In the way I see it, nobody is obligated to care, or like, or satisfy someone else. We are free human beings living our lives and minding our own business. I don’t expect anyone to come in my life and take care of me, love me, comprehends me.
When I meet someone new I want to have something to talk about, drink a cup of coffee or a beer, maybe have a good laugh or so. Depending on the circumstances I could let that person touch my hand, hug me, kiss me or even more. I expect nothing but to live in the moment. In the moment, it doesn’t matter if I dated or not for 11 years, it doesn’t matter if I am wrecked or not, if I have trust issues or not… In the moment all that matters is respect and presence. Be present, be respectful and we should have a great time. But somehow, it seems like people fake to care until they get something back (sex, drink, company…?) and they don’t mind to leave as if nothing happened.
Leaving should be just as important as entering someone else’s life.
I see tons of articles and discussions about how to date, how to make friends, how to interact with people and very few regarding how to disconnect, how to get out of someone else’s life. It’s not an “on-off” switch. It is not a “delete” button.
Nobody has to stay in somebody’s life just for being. If you want to leave, leave. But you should feel responsible for what you do while leaving because you can scar that person for life without even noticing.
To be continued…
I met a nice guy about six months after the brake up. The way we met was amazing, I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone specially not under those circumstances. I didn’t expect (nor wanted) to get involved. But I did. He managed to make me believe that he cared somehow and put my defences down. I let him get too close and then, suddenly, he was gone.
He used to text me, send me pictures, comment on my social media…in other words, he used to interact with me…and then, he stopped. I sent him a few messages which he saw just never bothered to answer none of them. It’s worse than feeling rejected: it’s feeling invisible. That person care so little about you that they don’t even “block” you…they simply ignore.
I wish I could say this was one person, one time. It wasn’t. Apparently, it’s a trend.
Interestingly people hear this report of mine and say “Oh, but you are choosing the wrong guys”. Really? It is my fault? People act like jerks and I am the one to blame? I mean… These people use understanding and empathy as baits and it is my fault? How could I know it was all a fake out?
The experiment goes on. I am a scientist after all. I want to find out how low people can be. I am also interesting in finding out how this impacts the way people relate to others in future relationships. Another interesting insight is how indifference can devastate (maybe even permanently) someone with low self-esteem or how much indifference can someone tolerate being ignored like this. I wish none of this were even to be questioned.
I’ll keep on living…let’s see what comes up.
