Dear Panda…

Lawrence Hung
Aug 24, 2017 · 4 min read

I remember the day we decided to put you to sleep. Vencci called and told me that you were having seizures and that it had left you paralyzed. You were 17 years old and at that point we all knew that there was no other choice in the matter. The few months before you passed you were already having some serious health issues and Vencci was doing whatever possible to keep you for just a little longer. We knew you weren’t the same energetic Shih Tzu anymore that would chase rabbits and make weird noises while we ate at the dinner table. You were close to moving on and I believe you knew it too. Yet I can tell you fought against it. Even though your body was failing you, you wouldn’t fail us and you fought everyday to stay with us a little longer. During those months it got to a point that sometimes when I was home I would put my finger in front of your nose just to test if you were still with us. You always managed to pass with a disgruntled snort.

Panda resting after a seizure 4/28/2017

I was in the Bay Area that day and I wanted to fly down to be with you but the flights were too expensive and we didn’t want you to have to continue to suffer through your seizures until I got there. Vencci FaceTimed me so that I could say goodbye, and for some reason I gave the most half-assed goodbye. I couldn’t even fucking cry.

When Vencci and I were young we would tell each other that you were going to live forever. As dumb as that sounds I held on to that belief. Every time you had an issue with your health you would bounce back and still be the same old Panda. It was like you were the Superman of Shih Tzu’s. Some days I daydream that Vencci is just going to pull up in her car and open the door and you’ll run out full of life and energy. Then reality hits me and I can’t help but cry like a little bitch all over again.

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write this. It’s just that I couldn’t accept that you’re actually gone. I tried to put up a strong front and told the family that it was expected and that was how life worked. I never really believed my own bullshit though. It pains me whenever I think of how I missed the last 5 years of your life and that I’ll never see you again. All I see now is a wooden box with a golden plaque that has your name on it. Petting it isn’t the same.

You passed 2 months before I would move back to SoCal. When I got back the impact of your death fully hit me. All those feelings I was bottling up were slowly leaking out and it left me emotionally unbalanced the first two weeks. I cried alone a lot in my room during that time.

It was hard to fully digest the reality of the situation. I realized that I couldn’t run my hands through your fur anymore. I couldn’t let you into my room so that you can sleep at the foot of my bed and protect me from my own imagination. I couldn’t secretly feed you under the table anymore. I had even made the mistake of getting another Shih Tzu in some random spontaneous decision but I ultimately couldn’t stand to look at him anymore because he reminded me so much of you. The wound was too fresh and too deep and I had just discovered it.

The whole family misses you so much every single day. Vencci and I talk about you all the time and we both make each other sad as we reminisce about you. You weren’t just a dog, you were the best friend the both of us ever had and we will never forget the impact that you had on us.

This is the goodbye that I wanted to give you, and I’m sorry I didn’t cry when you last saw me. I hope that I’ve made it up to you cause I’ve cried a whole fucking lot since you’ve been gone. We love you Panda, and we will always love you.

I’ll see you again after I’m all done here. Until then enjoy yourself up there.

Love,

Lawrence

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