Living My Truth, Walking in Purpose
I was asked a question recently that unearthed reflections three years in the making. It sent me reeling back through the deep transformative journey I’ve been on to rediscover myself. Now, with sudden clarity, I can finally articulate what led me here…
The Question
“Why were you so angry as a kid?”
That single question cracked open the door to my past and challenged my sense of self in the now. At first, it seemed like just another casual conversation. But my insatiable curiosity soon took us to the depths of my soul, in a direction I wasn’t expecting.
I’m still ruminating over this question. Her confused, intrigued expression as she asked sticks in my mind. My first reaction was to giggle and smile, for many reasons. Thinking, “damn, is that how everyone thought of me?” I didn’t react right away. Unlike a few months ago, I paused to gather my thoughts. Little did I know, her question would unlock a part of me that has been waiting to be freed.
Suppressed From the Start
She asked only after sharing another tragic layer of her own childhood. Our talks always reveal the dysfunction plaguing generations of my family. The generational trauma runs deep, shaping who we’ve become. Tales of atrocious abuse that seems to have lingered in various forms. This is the case for all sides of my family, something sort of like a quadruple whammy! I believe it’s safe to say that when dysfunction is normalized, it gets passed down like inherited baggage, tarnishing how the next generation is raised. Even repackaged, the trauma continues unhealed, defining our identities and the lives that have been molded.
“Should I give the real, raw answer from the depths of my soul? Or stick to the shallow end?”, I thought. I knew whichever response I gave wouldn’t satisfy her simple quest. I had a feeling she was seeking to relay justification, or rather seeking ammunition for comparison and belittlement.
And that’s exactly what happened…
I tentatively offered an oversimplified reply: “I was an angry child because of situations and decisions that hindered me, which seeped into adulthood.”
I figured most people could relate to this general sentiment. But instead of resonating or asking follow-ups, it was replaced with an immediate attempt to rationalize and dismiss the vague “situations and decisions” I mentioned. She missed the point of my answer and question altogether.
Unfortunately, this reaction is a recurring trend in my life. I’ve become numb to it. This desire to be truly seen and heard resonates with so many women, only to be misunderstood or ignored time and again. We seek deeper connection, yet settle for shallowness.
Ironically, it’s these unexpected conversations that unlock hidden parts of me and confirm my personal evolution.
The insidious nature of comparison becomes not just a joy thief. It’s also a ruthless robber of healing. The constant measurement against others’ narrow perceptions effectively blocked the pathway to my authentic truth. Little did I realize, in my quest for validation from external sources, I was unwittingly sabotaging my own destiny. The more I sought approval from everyone else, pressured to always stay within the guidelines preset for me, the more I veered away from the essence of me.
This is why I was so angry. My identity and expressions were often suppressed without thought, to the point I felt trapped in my own existence.
Looking back at childhood pictures, I see a little girl with dreams and curiosities far beyond her years. I yearned to travel the world, constantly questioning life and our purpose. My mind teemed with complex questions, always searching and reading to discover more.
But my grand visions were stifled for more than one reason. Mainly by an authoritative figure who strictly limited me within the bounds of his guidelines. Not because my interests were inappropriate for my age, but because they fell outside the lines of his opinion and personality. He instilled his own fears about the world into how I was raised. Reminding me to ‘represent’ anytime I was out of his sight.
The other reason was that my interests tugged at curiosities unlike those around me. I always felt different, the odd one out. Labeled as shy, quiet, and a loner. But that wasn’t truly me. It was a mask I formed out of fear — fear of disapproval or punishment if I stepped outside the lines.
I simmered with untapped potential and originality. But my flame was dimmed by the heavy expectations imposed on me. Over time, my genuine excitement was smothered into apathy, my natural exuberance muted into timidity. My inner light felt barely visible behind the suffocating veil placed on me.
The Turning Point
Revisiting my childhood unraveled the layers, exposing how deeply those early years still echo in my present. It became a catalyst for introspection, prompting a profound reflection on the stark contrast between who I am and the perceptions imposed by others. It posed a critical inquiry: do I genuinely care about these external judgments, and how significantly do they impact the authenticity of my being?
This introspection led me to question why, for so long, I had been entangled in a web of expectations, curbing my experiences based on societal ideals. It forced me to confront the reasons behind my perpetual attempts to conform and feeling like a failure every time things took a downturn. I realized that the version of me shaped by these external influences needed to undergo a transformation.
Rising From the Ashes
Rising Phoenix style, burning to ashes and being born again.
The old me, entwined with others’ perceptions, endless comparisons, and the relentless pursuit of external validation, began to wither away. In her place, I emerged a genuine version of myself, no longer confined by expectations but liberated to embrace my unique experiences.
This profound self-discovery signifies more than shedding old skin — it is a rebirth — a testament to the resilience and transformative power we all hold within.
By sharing my story, I hope to help other women rediscover their essence and to unleash her, unapologetically. What I call ‘Becoming Unfuckwitable’. Unpacking our past experiences is the first step, though not to relive them but to reveal our realest version.
For me, this journey unveiled my authentic self, free from inherited dysfunction and struggle. Peeling back each layer reconnected me to my innate strength and wisdom.
Living My Truth, Walking in Purpose
Rising from the ashes of my past, I continue growing into the fullest expression of who I am. The real me. Not defined by others but boldly claiming my own identity.
Shedding the shadows of the past, I now walk in my power, purpose, and truth.
Embodying Boldly!
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