alone

This is going to be a depressing post.

I feel everything, every single thing, I feel it far more then I should. It is a curse, to feel everything so deeply. Because of that I’m labeled so many things, constantly told to be cool or calm down. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO NOT FEEL THINGS THE WAY I DO? No, you don’t.

I feel like everyone truly wants me to just shut up. No one wants to hear about the demons in my head, they are all just sick of me. I feel as if I am not meant to be in this world. I do not fit in or belong here… I do not want to be here most days. I am so tired of all of this. I don’t know if I can do it anymore, it is so much. I feel as if no one understands or wants to understand, and why would they?

I don’t know who I am anymore. Its as simple and as complicated as that. The person everyone sees, I don’t know who she is. I don’t know if she is even real.

I feel trapped and alone. I am stuck in a life where I am not free. No one understands what its like to be in my head. I want to be free of this but it doesn’t seem like that will ever happen.

I feel lonely. Their is a deep dark hole in my soul, that is just so alone. I try so hard to talk to people, but it gets to the point where you feel like your annoying everyone. People are busy and don’t have time for you. You put in all the effort and then when you get frustrated with the lack of effort from everyone else, you are made to feel awful. You don’t want to annoy anyone, you don’t want to be a burden, but you don’t want to be alone. You give people thousands of chances, even if they have hurt you, because you feel so much for someone. Its so hard for you to let people in, to love people, so when you do, you give them everything, time and time again. Even if you know deep down they will just keep leaving you.

I am so sick of being alone, but opening up myself to a new person is so impossible for me. I rather keep going back to the devils from my past then let in someone new to destroy me all over again. I mean there are people from my past I still care deeply about, two specific people, that I will always allow back in. Why? Because there is a naive part of me, a part of me that will always hope these people can change. A part of me that hopes I mean as much to them as what they’ve meant to me. Going back to the devils of the past is far less frightening then going risking letting new ones in.

I feel like with most of my friendships I am always the one who puts in all the effort to keep in contact. When I stop putting in the effort those people just disappear, I was the one keeping any form of contact in place. It is so exhausting having to do all the work. It isn’t worth it when clearly the other people don’t really care about you at the end of the day. You know what I get that people are busy, but no one is THAT busy. I always respond to people, even if I don’t overly like them or want to talk. Leaving people waiting is so rude. I get that people are busy… but no matter how busy I get -even tho people seem to think I just sit around staring at walls all day- I always respond asap.

Some days, I wish I could just disappear from this world, go live in the woods on my own.

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