Is the Modern “Man” really Peter Pan?

Is the Modern “Man” really Peter Pan?

Before I write this blog I would like to make it stainless clear that I absolutely love men. I am a huge fan. Nothing I write on Sexy Santa Cruz will ever be ill intended or with motives of making men look bad. This is not a man hating station it’s the complete opposite. So what’s written below is not intended to make anyone look poorly or feel badly but rather what’s written is merely and observation. If you do feel bad after reading it though you should probably sit with those feelings and figure out why you feel that way, and with that said…

About a year and a half ago I was hanging out with a close girl friend and we were discussing, as I often do with my girl friends over wine, coffee, a freaking cheeseburger, it is always the right time to be talking about… our LOVE LIFE or lack there of. I was telling her about this guy I had started seeing, a guy well into his late 30’s, and I was sharing how I was frustrated and annoyed with him because although he was older as in like almost 40 he was still behaving like a kid in his 20’s. “Oh does he have the Peter Pan syndrome?” she interrupts. “The what?” she chuckles at me, “You know the Peter Pan syndrome, it means guys who refuse to grow up they’re now called Peter Pans and Santa Cruz has a lot of them.” That was the first time I heard this expression and I remember finding it so comical and at the same time genius. Of coarse just with this classification and compartmentalization were so many questions answered about so many guys I had dated. Whoever came up with the term was probably a worn out wife with three kids- two of them she gave birth to the third she had married. And I wonder if guys find this term offensive? Like if I was to deliberately ask one some day if he is a Peter Pan would he be offended and quickly deny any associations to the name? (Okay it’s decided next one of these that asks me out I will flat out ask him). Do guys even know about this tag name that us women have created this identification for them? If they didn’t I guess now they will. The funny thing is after finding this term I started seeing them all over town. Everywhere I went I could see the Peter Pans holding on as desperately as they could to a time in their life that had long ago passed them by but life so cruel failed to give them the memo. And I hate to be condescending but it really is such a sad picture. What the hell happened? Where did all the men go?

So what is it exactly? Why does there seem to be a rise in guys who do not want to grow up? At what point did wearing the tag “man” become too heavy to wear? It really seems like this at times, it seems like guys are too afraid to even use the word man. I remember being in college I was probably 20 years old and I remember guys of my same age who would always joke around by puffing up their chests and saying “I’m a man, I can do this or I can do that because I’m a man.”There was so much pride and the word seemed to have had a respectable honorable expectation to it then. Now I date guys in their mid 30’s and 40’s and they are scared shitless. It appears that the word has taken on a negative meaning one in which they want no part of or very little part of. What is it? Does the word now come with a certain expectation that can’t be met? With a certain degree of responsibility that is too overwhelming to bear? Is it the whole provision thing- that guys are expected to provide for their woman and their family? Has that role become too much to bear? Is it the idea of being tied down? Is it that guys have lost the ability to communicate? Is it a vulnerability issue? Is it because of the nagging wife or girlfriend? Is it because they rather be playing video games? Is it that they’re too emotionally wounded from their previous relationship to recover? Do guys really just not know what to do anymore? What the hell is it? I genuinely have all these questions running through my head and I’m sure if I were to take a survey the results would be divided. Times have definitely changed but I hold firm to the belief the chivalry is not dead- it might just be sleeping.

I think that the problem falls both in women as much as it does in men. A behavior only works when there was some type of reward that was gained from the behavior therefore creating a repetitive cycle until it is fully formed. If something doesn’t work after trying it a couple of times then it doesn’t root, the brain just moves on and doesn’t identify it as pleasure. But pathways in our brains are formed after there is pleasure that was gained from the experience.What am I talking about? What I’m saying is the at some point women allowed this behavior to work in men therefore creating it to be acceptable behavior and then establishing it as the new standard or the new norm. Guys act like jerks because they have a clientele for their behavior. Peter Pans have formed because it became okay to not take responsibility in relationship to love and they get away with it. I myself have contributed to this Peter Pan phenomenon. About a year ago I started changing my behavior and participation in it and I refused any tolerance for guys who just weren’t ready to grow up. It actually became really unattractive to me. Again there were moments of weakness when it was way easier to just give in but after those moments passed and had indulged a little I stood firm again and reminded myself of who I am and what I wanted. I don’t want to sound negative because I do believe people can change and this doesn’t have to continue being the norm but it’s going to take the enlightenment of each individual at a time both men and women.

I’m not talking about all men and categorizing all men into this generalization again I am speaking only of Peter Pans, the ones that refuse to grow up. And the problem is I think men think it’s just a phase and they’re just hanging out until they’re “ready” for a “real” relationship but my question is how long does a phase last? Maybe at first it’s something that they naively engage in this: I’m not readybut then one year passes, then two, three, five and then you wake up one day to realize you haven’t been in a committed relationship for 10 years or however long. The following realization after that is that you no longer even know how to be in a relationship or how to truly pursue a woman. And I believe men get lost during this time to the point where a lot of them don’t ever make it out again. Always I see men in there 50’s, 60’s behaving like children (locally you can find them at the Crows Nest at any day of the week). They go after girls in there 20’s or some ask me out while they wave their respectable professional titles and hand me their business cards expecting me to be impressed and I just smile and judgmentally think to myself how sad. It is sad. To all the men in there 30’s and 40’s…YOU STILL HAVE TIME, ha ha. Get out now while there’s still a chance- trust me you don’t want to be these men later on no respectable woman finds that attractive. And okay I’m also not saying go pick a girl and marry her just for the sake of avoiding this fate because impulsively jumping into a relationship can be equally harmful. What I am saying is that if there’s a girl that catches your attention for the qualities you want in a lifetime partner then why not take a risk? If a girl asks you out because she finds you interesting or at least is curious about you why not open your heart to the possibility? I just think men are scare shitless and have no idea anymore of what to do with their feelings and therefore women. Not all, just who? …

The times we are living in can change again. Women, and I don’t mean girls, but women can stop having tolerance for Peter Pans. This will cause a reaction. Every time one person shifts his/her behavior its causes a shift across the entire universe. Peter Pans will have to step up and find the deep delight there is in being a man. I do believe men want this they just lost their way and need to find it once again. I believe us women have to help them find there way back by allowing them to do just that. Guys love chasing women it’s their primal instinct to hunt. Women like to be captivated and swept. Guys want a challenge- someone they can feel they had to work for and this doesn’t have to include any games. Guys love to use the words “She’s out of my league, I’m not sure why she’s dating me.” It’s some type of prize thing, or who knows what that’s all about…men are from mars. Women love to be desired there is no greater feeling than being in the arms of a man you know has given you his heart. If women can commit to being ladies and to waiting on a man that will treat them as such guys would have to commit to figuring out ways to catch their beauties once again. That would be the death of the Peter Pan and the rise of the man and what a glorious day that will be.

Okay let’s meet some of these guys now. Here we go! My experience with my first Peter Pan: “The Guy who asked me out and took me on a date to Whole Foods”

Coming soon…

(Leave me a comment below, let me know what you think, thanks for reading you can follow me at hemieblog.wordpress.com).