An open letter to Investors…
I sent out my standard pitch to an Angel Investor, for the 1000th time in three months yesterday, and believe me when I tell you, I know it’s a “numbers game” and I “know” that there is a hero out there that has a Fckton of investible money, and gives a damn about this shitshow we call humanity, so this is not a whining complaint because I have to suffer so much, raising $$$…
<it’s gonna happen>,
but that being said, as I read their standard response of:
What stage is the business at dude? We only look at revenue generating companies.
I thought I realized something special about the Brave New World of “Tech Dominated Gambling.”
Here was my response back:
- We are a special case. We are “The Next Dollar Shave Club”. You don’t want to miss this. The EU has lots of Industrial Hemp businesses. The war of 1812 was fought over Hemp. As the world’s resources dwindle away we are turning to Hemp whether Dupont, Shell et al wants it or not. “It’s as if” we have revenue and I will tell you why. We are partnering with an existing Tree-Free paper and plastics manufacturer that is worth approx. $400MM. We are launching a new Brand on their manufacturing and fulfillment expertise. We could not go up against big paper and big plastics without some serious financial support BUT we are a startUP so that’s why we are white-labeling and marketing with celebs and Impact investment cheerleaders. We are already becoming a cause celeb. We will bring the brand to EU as well and manufacture there. Probably in Holland or Germany. This is an everyday product. A staple like Chocolate or Nylons or Bullets or Penicillin. Get it?
“Then I realized he probably didn’t get it. and I felt a little bad at focusing on the “Big Money” angle so I sent this:
- I know everyone is hypnotized by tech, but please realize there are many things in the world that need to be disrupted and paper is one of them. The current Paper Milling process is one of the most toxic manufacturing processes on the Earth. Do we really need another video game, or way to send money to Mexico, or client sales data tracking AI? If we don’t get our collective heads out of our collective wallets and asses we are done, and the only way to change this deal is to offer consumers “this not that”. Wipe with a weed not with a tree. Hemper’s Baby diapers are non-toxic and sustainable rather than plasticky, BPA laden, Dioxin laden and not sustainable. I had 2 kids. I felt guilty emptying the diaper Genie! Let’s talk angry moms. They drove Jessica Alba’s Honest Brands to a $700MM Valuation. Do you see what I am talking about? This is a very simple deal wrapped in a very well thought out war plan. Three years of planning, meetings, research and alliances are ready to pop. Now’s your chance to make history with a Hero Brand. Or you can invest in another dumbass app that tracks cow farts across America..
See how I have to alude to how much God Dammed $$$ we are going to make while I discuss how we are going to manufacture Non-Toxic sustainable products and then try to convince consumers to buy them because they might not? Isn’t that special?
(Personal Observation). What the Hell? Have I become a tree-hugger? What happened to me? I used to be a “killer”- winner take all businessman!
Tech Investment fever has so much money moving around for apps and gadgets, it’s almost impossible to get anyone’s attention for the more important things in life like breathable air, clean water, or arable topsoil. It’s like those bumper stickers I used to see in the 90s, before having a bumper sticker might get you pulled over by a homeland security anti-terrorist agent.”
Are you tired of this shit? Want to make history? Want to be a Hero? Now’s your chance. BTW I want to be rich too, so I can pay the rent and get my teeth fixed, so I am no better than the next greedy bastard. LMAO
Thanks for reading this exercise in mindfulness.
walking the razors edge,
Philip + Founder Hempies™ Paper
Remember, Life is like Toilet Paper.
You are either on a roll…
or taking shit from some asshole.