There are two sides to every story. I’ll never know yours as I have written you off, but for the sake of these words and my mental well-being: Here’s mine.
The worst part about all this, is that it is actually all my fault. All the pain and all the heartache, it is actually all my fault. Want to know why?
Because I forgave you. I forgave you for what you did to me three years ago at 2 AM in the morning while you where drunk and unable to speak without slurring like someone who had a stroke. I have no one else to blame, but as any cliche would go: ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’.
If someone would have told me two years ago that I’d be here, where I am now. Saddened with what has happened between us, I would believe them. Depressing, isn’t it?
So, what actually happened according to me?
I think it all happened when we started talking a lot, more than you would expect to be exact. The fact that you showed interest in me was so exhilarating as I have never experienced it, especially not from a girl. We spoke daily and I opened up to you about so many things, I genuinely thought that you liked me too. All the signs where there, I should have just read into it more as everyone else did.
If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love! And when you love someone, you just, you… you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then! You just — you don’t give up! Because if I could give up… if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and-and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for.
My 21st birthday was, before all this, the best night of my life. Despite the usual stereotypes of everyone passed the fuck out, my 21st was actually quite relaxed in a way. Sure, we all were quite tipsy and had a great time, but it was only what happened after that should have been my warning sign.
So, I invited all of my friends to the big ‘do’ and among them was one of my best friends. He was literally my best friend and knew EXACTLY how I felt about her. He knew that I wanted everything about her and I wanted everything for her, yet things still turned out the way it did. And they manipulated their way past me by guilt tripping me into believing that I am at wrong here and…
I’m getting ahead of myself.
Fast forward to the week after my birthday, me being full of smiles and still happy for being me. Till I got the message that literally broke me for a while. She told me that she and my best friend is going to go out — just for a casual coffee.
I might be a little self centered here, but why would you go out just for coffee? The only reason why anyone would ever ask someone out is if there is mutual interest in each other, right?
Anyway, moving right on — this is where the manipulation started.
I was broken.
No person can tell me that you would not feel a slight bit of pain in your heart after receiving news like this, it honestly hurt that a best friend would do that to me as he KNEW how I felt about her. And just before I go on, I lost him as a best friend… all because of a girl. This girl. This one godforsaken girl.
I told them that it upsets me, I told them it hurts, but they said things that made me feel like I was in the wrong. How dare I be upset, how dare I be sad about being stabbed in the back. I was manipulated into feeling like I was in the wrong. I am not allowed to feel betrayed and sad.
You know what is the worst about this small bit of manipulation? I apologized. I said sorry, like a little bitch, because I was made to feel that I was in the wrong.
I wouldn’t hold my breath if I was you
Cause I’ll forget but I’ll never forgive you
Don’t you know, don’t you know?
True friends stab you in the front
Let us forget what I went through and continue on with the story of how it all became my fault.
I had sore, I went into a hole of depression. My escape was music and I LOVED sharing my music on my social media. As I did share the music, I would get messages from them, asking me what is wrong. Asking me why I am sad. Asking me why I am so quiet. Asking me why I’m writing such ‘emo’ stuff on my social media…
How dare they?
They continued to manipulate me into thinking that my call for help and comfort is wrong. I felt like everything I did, was wrong.
After a few months of me trying to not talk to them, to little success, I had a work function (The two of us worked together) and I had to go. I didn’t want to go… I didn’t want to see her and know that everything is my fault. That is what I felt then, because of all the manipulation.
I don’t feel that now.
Again, getting ahead of myself here.
She phoned me the same day to ask if she can bring him as a date, him being my best friend that have taken the one thing I love(d) away from me.
Of course I said he can come, the way she asked me made me feel like I didn’t have a choice anyway.
I offered to go pick him up as I felt the need to do it, I didn’t want to. I felt I had to… I kept feeling that I need to prove that I don’t care. I felt like I needed to prove the manipulation is not working, but even during those times, they manipulated me even while they weren’t around… if that makes sense ?
At the function she stood by him, holding him in front of me as if it was nothing, whilst everyone around is so happy with what they are seeing and me just standing in the crowd, trying to mask the pain. I tried masking the pain by talking to my friend all night. Yes, that best friend. But to no avail…
That was one of the most horrific nights of my life as I decided that I will drive home for 2 hours in the middle of the night, because I simply could not deal with that… I live in a small town, so the road back was dark, car-less and scary.
People would ask me what is wrong, I’d say I’m fine.
People would see me crying for help, but I rejected.
If you got this far then I can assure you the end is in sight, it might not be close, but it is coming.
I broke contact with my best friend, but working with her on a daily basis forced me into so many situations where I found myself leaping towards her to make any conversation. She was like a drug to me. I could not get enough.
When I found a few months later that she and my best friend aren’t talking as they saw it won’t work, I increased my prescription. I wanted more of her. Needed more of her.
I wrote off plans with friends and family to get to her. To get her attention.
It seemed like things were getting better, it seemed like she actually gave a fuck.
In the back of my mind I always wondered, I wondered if she felt the same. Everything she did, everything she said made me feel like she felt the same. Everything she did made me feel happy.
A Happy drug…
I use to shower her with gifts every time I could and that is when I got the most attention from her; and I loved it. I was blind to see that she manipulated that into me to make me feel guilty over every foot I might have set wrong in her eyes. Friends and family where concerned, but I pushed them away, knowing that what she is doing is breaking me, until one day…
Now, for the purpose of the story line I have to add this part: Since my 21st Birthday, she promised me almost every other week to come visit, she was suppose to come to me on New Years, but she wanted to change her plans. Me being me, I bowed to her feet and followed her lead as I wrote of my family and friends to spend New Years with her. She promised me every week that she would come visit, only to get another excuse every odd day…
It broke me, but when It broke me, I’d buy her gifts.
Then she would be nice to me again for a while, that was my mindset…
Fucking pathetic, if you ask me.
While being crazy about this girl, it hurt me everyday, because as you noticed during the story, I never asked her how she felt…
She never openly told me how she felt. I should have probably asked her sooner, but I enjoyed the ride…
Well, the good parts at least.
One day, I decided to just be honest with her.
I took literally every single piece of bravery inside of me and opened up to her. I told her I loved her. I told her I wanted to be with her. I told her I wanted everything and more for her.
I’ve never been on the receiving side of a confession, but I don’t think what she did, is how you handle such a situation.
Sometimes you just don’t like someone and I can understand that, but what she did, finally broke me into a dark hole of regret and self hate. Upon telling her what I felt, she ignored me. She pushed me away for a week and didn’t say anything to me for that entire time, aside from the fact that she feels that I was too fast on her and she “didn’t know how I felt….”
She didn’t know how I felt…
She didn’t fucking know how I felt…
After an entire year of talking and me literally throwing all my emotions towards her and showering her with love, gifts and all my happiness and she didn’t know how I fucking felt?
Are you kidding me?
All this pain and devotion towards one person only to be manipulated again into believing that I am in the wrong. She literally made me feel like I was in the wrong for telling her how I felt.
You know what is the WORST part? I went and apologized for telling her and liking her. I apologized to her just so she can talk to me again. I bought her flowers and more chocolates and showered her with more gifts, just so I could get my 10 minutes of sunshine from her…
How pathetic is that? And the more I think about it today, the conversations we had after, just made me realize that she manipulated me more and more into believing that what I did, was wrong.
After all this I decided to start talking to people, ask them: “Am I really that bad of a person.”
Close friends could not believe what I was doing. I had friends and family being angry at me for what I did, they laughed at me for being so manipulative.
Every where I went, I walked into a wall with no answer as to what to do now… I pretended like everything was fine when I spoke to her, but on the inside I was broken.
One day I spoke to a dear friend of mine. Also a girl, which made it a lot harder for me, but she made me realize how stupid I was. She made me realize how manipulative I was.
She gave me advice on what to do, I thought she was crazy.
Today, being where I am and doing what she told me to do, I can assure you, it was the best advice I have ever received from anyone, regarding my situation.
Delete them from your life. Delete them from all your social media. Block her number. Block her email address. Delete the photos. Get rid of every possible memory you had with her.
A bit irrational, don’t you think?
And easier said than done, don’t you think?
Those were my thoughts at first, I was unable to do it.
I kept on with the sadness and the heartache about her, but I could feel it growing worse and I could feel me caring less and less about her or the situation.
It felt like a piece out of a movie, it felt over dramatic and overdone, but it also felt SO great. I’m talking about the moment I did it, of course. The moment I removed her from my life.
I deleted every photo, every number, every conversation and every memory. I blocked her almost everywhere I could think of. This had me wondering more, how long will it take for her to even notice.
I don’t know what I did, but I am sorry for whatever I did that could be so rational, but one day when you realize you made a mistake, I won’t be there to forgive and forget.
Enjoy your life
These are the words I came to.
These are the words I received about three weeks after I did what I did. To someone that I supposedly meant ‘a lot’ to, it took them three weeks to realize what I have done.
Then what do they go and do? They send me a message that exactly illustrated the reason why I did, what I did.
She took something again that was hard for me and made it my fault again.
She manipulated me into feeling bad about what I did and you know what? I did feel bad. I felt so unbelievably bad, but it felt good. It felt good to feel bad about something that I did only for my best sake.
Thus ends a big part of my life. It ended a part of my life that had a lot of sore and sadness, today I am happier.
I am not at my happiest, but I am happier.
I miss her every day.
I want to talk to her every day, but that is only because I need more time. In due time everything will blow over and I will once again be able to focus on others things in my life.
Something other than the bad.
Don’t let anyone take advantage of you. Don’t let someone steal your happiness and then make it your fault in the end.
Because in the end, “it doesn’t even matter” what is going on in your life.
You determine your own happiness.
If you read this far, you’re awesome! Thank you!