Hey You, Have More Fun

Recently I was out at a noisy bar with a fairly large group of friends, and someone in the bunch said to my friend who had been a little more quiet, “Hey, at least pretend like you’re having fun.”

My friend didn’t suddenly open up and start having a blast. Instead, she shut down and left shortly after.

Why this is unhelpful

When you tell someone to have fun — or to be more social — she feels singled out and self-conscious. Now it looks like anything she does is because you told her to, rather than genuine behavior. Even if she were already thinking about jumping in and getting involved, she’ll feel weird about it now.

In a similar vein, I was recently on the receiving end of “calm down.” When you tell someone to calm down, you’re invalidating what he’s feeling at the moment. You’re saying he is acting on emotions and over-reacting to the situation.

In general, it’s just not helpful to tell someone what to do in a social setting. It can come off less as trying to help and more like getting the person to act in a way that pleases or suits you.

What to do instead

I obviously don’t know how to handle every situation perfectly, but here’s generally where I’m at right now.

First, in a social setting, resist the urge to tell someone how to behave.

Second, try to empathize and understand why they’re feeling a certain way. Really try. Is this friend feeling disengaged because everyone is talking about Fantasy Football, and he’s not from the states? Is my colleague upset because something else happened and the current situation is piling on an already bad day?

Third, find a way to validate those feelings or engage in an inclusive, helpful way:

• If someone is disengaged, bring her into the conversation without making her feel awkward or embarrassed: “Hey, this kind of reminds me of that book you were telling me about last week. What do you think?”
• If someone is excluded, maybe subtly signal to the group that it’s not being inclusive: “John, sorry we keep talking about football. What do you like to do on Sundays when we’re watching grown men run into other?”
• Instead of telling someone to calm down when they’re upset, try, “Sorry the client is stressing you out — I agree with you that they shouldn’t have asked for you to turn this around in a day. Can I help take a part of it?”