How Do You Proceed Life When Everything You Have Ever Believed In Are Wrong?
We do what we have to do to survive. Me? One of the things I do is I think stuff and write about it. Hoping to make any sense of it all.
I just went through a nasty breakup and all I know since then I cannot function properly. It’s fair to say it took everything that I had, mentally and almost physically. I can’t think about anything else and I’m not feeling hungry at all, for days.
A little back story. I have a crush on him since the first year of college. But since he had a girlfriend then and we went to different majors, I saw no future whatsoever for us and I didn’t want to waste any of my time and energy for him so I decided to leave. Vanished from his life. I did not respond to any of his approach, texts, online messaging, etc. Until 4th year of college. I responded, cause he’d broken up.
Fast forward November 2015, we became a couple.
I mean, all the star lined up. He came back to me after 2 years of no contact, he came to me on the Holy Month of Ramadhan, and after I pray a lot. Like, as hard as I’ve ever prayed to God. I mean, after all of that, how do I not think of him as THE ONE?
But, despite all of that, it’s fair to say that I was his rebound after his relationship of 4 years. He may had still not moved on the first 2 or 3 months of our relationship but again, I chose to ignore it. I know the way he treated his ex, and he did not treat me even close to that, and what I mean is less. There was some bitterness inside but, what could I do? Ask? Nope, my pride was too big.
Before he came into my life, I did not know that I had so much love in me to give to a person, I did not know I could love a man that much. The sincerity, the not counting everything you do for him, everything you have that you can give for him whether he asked or not. That is love to me, do everything you can to make the person you love happy, to take the burden off their shoulders even for just a little and expect nothing in return. Maybe too ideal, but I once stood by that definition.
Until July 2016, we broke up.
Nope, he broke up with me. I didn’t want any of it. At all.
I may be the only person who didn’t see it coming while everybody else did. Everybody else can see that it was one sided, he didn’t love me as much as I did, he didn’t do and give as much as I did. I did feel it, but I chose to ignore it. Why? Because I believe he was the one. I may still believe that now. Stupid, I know.
His reason? He just want to be alone. He does not want any obligations of a person’s boyfriend. He said it has nothing to do with me, it’s all him. But the thing is, I was his girlfriend. I was the one he has obligations to. That is the part that does not make any sense to me. It can’t be all him. There has to be some part of me that make this shitty breakup happened.
Wait, why did he have to think of it as an obligations? It’s not a job, it’s a relationship. Is he stupid or what? It’s just something that people do in a relationship, it’s not obligations. There may be some responsibilities, but it’s not an obligations. You’re not obligated to do something. Why does he feel obligated at all? Has he feel this way just recently or from the start? Wow, this is an awakening.
I guess what we didn’t realize was we grew differently for all the 2 years we were apart. We met different people that changes our lives. We added different values to our lives that’s not necessarily the same, somehow we couldn’t compromise and find a common ground on it, and it made a huge impact to our relationship. It’s safe to say what he wanted was the 19 year old me, the first year of college me which has now gone cause I’m in the last year of college and I’m 22 now. Duh.
I have learned a lot about life and people in that 2 years we were apart. I just didn’t realize how different we are now, especially our view of life. The difference is I guess I don’t play and hang out as much as I did first year of college, while he still does now. I think about how much money I spent, will I be able to save up by the end of the month. I try to learn and find a way to improve myself everyday to be a better version of myself for me and the people surround me. Because I’m older, the play and game days are almost over. I was surprised by how I couldn’t associate myself to their conversation. And by they I mean, him and his friends. It’s weird because we were one circle back then, they are my friends, too, but I just can’t understand their conversation now. I don’t know why. I just can’t. And when it goes to relationship, I think about marriage. Why do I still want to play at this age? Why do I still want a fantasy or fancy relationship at this age? What I want is a real life, a certainty. And marriage is the ultimate goal.
The thing that’s hard for me is not losing him. I mean, losing him is hard, but there are harder things. It all summed up to these 2 questions.
- Am I that bad of a person so that the love of my life can’t love me back?
- If everything that I do, that I thought was the best of me for loving someone, that made me think “There could not be anymore that I can do, right? Cause I’ve done everything” is not enough to make the love of my life loves me, then where do I go from here?
I feel like throughout our relationship, I have never intentionally hurt him or do bad things towards him. How could I? I love him so much. I just want him to be happy. Happiness to me is seeing people that makes me happy, happy. So, what could I have possibly done to made him do all of this? All I ever do is keep him, defend him, despite every bad or hurtful things he ever did to me, with a thought that he didn’t mean to do any of that. Despite when people say he’s not even trying to be good to me, I still defend him because I believed in him. Why can’t we continue our relationship with every obstacles upon us, with every doubts in our head? What made him don’t want to try anymore, that made him don’t want to give me just one more chance to change, to fix it all? What made him throw away our relationship that we’d been building for almost a year so easily, while all I ever do is protect it?
The reason I tried my hardest to protect our relationship is because of my principle for relationship and his words. I mean, words are the only thing you can hold onto from a person, right? My principle is that every problem has a solution except for physical abuse and infidelity. And his words are that he said he didn’t want to add anymore name to his ex list and he wanted a serious relationship. So that’s why I fought for our relationship through every problem, through every doubts, and obstacles. But I guess for him, words are just words.
I thought love was contagious. Same as kindness. If you’re kind and good to people, people will be kind and good to you without you even asking. That’s what I have believed all my life. I have loved him dearly, with all I can do and give, and he still can’t love me. What I have believed in has failed.
That is what has been difficult for me. Those 2 burning questions are what make me can’t function now. How do I proceed life when everything that I have ever believed in are wrong?
