After Bryce Harper’s $330M Baseball Contract, Guidance For Employers About My Pending Free Agency

The news of Bryce Harper’s $330M contract for 13 years with the Philadelphia Phillies has set a new free-agency standard and unsettled the market. In order to remove any uncertainty about my pending free agency, I offer this complete and transparent insight into my financial requirements and current thinking — for employers contemplating bidding on my services.

I know in the age of advanced data analytics, my historic performance and comparison to others will help set my market. So, let’s have a quick look at my stats. Okay, my stats are a little old. In sixth-grade we didn’t really have metrics. Nonetheless, I was known as a fearsome kickball player. At one recess I kicked a foul ball so far, the kids were still talking about it an hour later, while Wayne Dorsey beat the shit out of me for my lunch money. I also once came in 3rd in a tether-ball tournament. I probably only lost because Lisa Gurlback smacked the ball into the side of my head. (At least one doctor suggested that the brain damage is mostly gone.) Other key stats: I had a wicked baseball card collection, before my mother threw it away, when she was incarcerated.

That’s enough about my stats. (Have I set my market?) Let’s discuss something more interesting — like, how much money I need. To give you a sense of how to bid for my services, I’ve listed the following anticipated expenditures.

· Apartment in Berlin, Germany. I’ve never been there, but would like a place near the historic Check Point Jimmy (or whatever) and those all-night techno dance clubs with the half-naked people. Because I do not speak German, I’ll need a 24-hour, full-time personal translator.

Berlin Apartment: $2.5M

German Translator: $3.6M per year. (Heidi Klum’s my preference and not cheap!)

· Apartment in Washington, DC. Would like to be near Jeff Bezo’s new house so we can be friendly neighbors, and I can drop by and borrow stuff like flour, sugar and genital pics.

DC Apartment: $5.5M

German Translator: $2.6M per year. (I’m assuming a 2nd location discount from Ms. Klum.)

· Apartment Share in Manhattan. Thinking I could sleep on the sofa from the guy that just bought that $238M apartment. He’s got like 10 other places to live, so he won’t be there much. I’m pretty easy going according to my current roommates, except for Phil who keeps eating my Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip ice-cream. Getting away from Phil is one of the reasons, I really need this new contract — like soon.

Manhattan Apartment Share: $250 per month for sofa access

German Translator Accommodations: $3.5M. I can’t expect Ms. Klum to sleep on the floor of my apartment share. It’s Heidi Klum, for god’s sakes!

· Vehicles: I’ll mostly use Uber Pool to save on expenses, but I would like to own at least one car.

McLaren 720S: $296,195. You cannot drive around with a translator like Heidi Klum in a piece of garbage 1997 Buick Skylark, especially with a partially crumpled front-hood, ever since Phil borrowed it and rear-ended a school bus, on the way to meet his probation officer.

· Annual Alcohol Budget: $25,000. Again, a savings because I’m cutting back after my doctor announced I have whooping cough, a swollen pancreas, and infant hip dysplasia. (The infant hip dysplasia is embarrassing, as I’m in my 50’s. It may have been caused by Phil’s dog.)

· Alimony: Only $5,000 per year. Two of my ex-wives still think I’m dead!

· Netflix: $0. I will continue to use the password that I stole from Phil.

· Walking Around Money: $16M per year. This is for cigarettes, gum and bribes. It’s always good to have a little cash in your pocket for whatever comes your way, including law enforcement.

I’m not great at math, but I’m pretty sure that a $20M signing bonus and $25M per year gets the job done. I’m happy to sign a contract of any duration -the signing bonus is key! And I’m immediately available! If I’ve attracted your interest, let’s next discuss what you’d like me to do. I’m sure we can find something. I used to be a pretty darn good assistant carousel attendant, at the National Zoo, before I accidentally poisoned that Panda. But, time is of the essence. Let the bidding begin! I owe Phil about $540 and he’s bugging the crap out of me. Plus, I’m going to need to contact Heidi Klum before Bryce Harper does.