NRA Proposes AR-15’s For Olympic Biathlon And Ice Dancing

“If only I had a little more fire power.”

The National Rifle Association (NRA) announced today that in order to improve the Winter Olympics it would work with the International Olympic Committee to promote the use of AR-15’s in certain events that lent themselves to assault rifles.

“The current format for the Winter Olympics stinks,” said Wayne LaPierre, the President of the NRA. “There are so many events that could be improved by the addition of assault rifles.”

LaPierre was in Pyeongchang as the guest of an unnamed Russian bot farm, and a Facebook Group called “AR-15 Uber Alles.” LaPierre did not answer questions about the recent Parkland High School mass shooting, but he was quick to promote his ideas for improving the Olympics.

“Look at the Biathlon,” said LaPierre. “You have all these girly men swishing around on their skis — and when they shoot, they are using these tiny little rifles, the kind we give babies in diapers. Wouldn’t it be more entertaining, if we let them use AR-15’s, and changed the targets to Muslims or blacks? I mean there’s nothing like a good guy with an AR-15 to stop a bad Muslim, or any Muslim, in the snow or at the snack stand.”

LaPierre mentioned that even events, where guns were not traditionally part of the sport, would be improved by the addition of assault weapons.

“Did you see the ice dancer with the wardrobe malfunction, the other night?” asked LaPierre. “What if she was also packing an AR-15, with a 30-round mag, and a modified night vision scope? Do you think her coaches or her wardrobe team would ever let that happen again?”

Some Olympic athletes did not fully warm to the idea of adding assault weapons to their events. Fifteen year old Helga Johnson, a Swedish ice dancer, at her first Olympics, was intrigued but dubious.

“Sweden is a backwards country where our 2nd Amendment rights, are not respected,” said the tiny ice dancer. “But as much as I would like an AR-15, to protect myself from my neighbors, and of course, Muslims, I don’t think I can perform a triple Salchow with a heavy assault rifle strapped to my leotard. Maybe we could start with something smaller. Maybe just hand grenades.”