Beyond The Horizon

I don’t know that these past few days have really gotten any easier. I think I’m in some sort of numb and incredulous fog, which is made all the more striking by all the people around me going on as if nothing is wrong.

In a lot of ways, everything is wrong. Not only have national events thrown my heart into a tailspin, but I’ve been in the throes of questioning and reevaluating everything I thought I knew about myself and my life.

First off, the struggle to live authentically isn’t easy. Every issue is not automatically solved (one way or the other). My evolution is decidedly piecemeal, as I try on new aspects and looks and ways to view the world. Some of them make sense, some of them don’t, but all of them are competing for attention. It’s the wicked side effect of feeling in flux down to the deepest chambers of my soul.

Today, I question everything, and take nothing for granted. That’s a scary place to be. Yet, I know that it’s necessary, because the weight of my world and my life are smothering me.

I feel like I’m drowning in regret, lamenting that which could have been, yet never really was. I’m uncertain about myself, my career, my geography. Literally nothing makes sense anymore.

I just know that I’m bored, restless, and having trouble staying engaged with the things that used to make sense to me.

Is this a cry for help? I truly don’t know. But I’m in uncharted waters here and the seas are choppy. I hope to find my way back to shore soon. God help me if I don’t.