Comfortably Numb

I gazed into the sunset for a brief moment and watched her head off down the long dusty road. With a casual shrug, I turned around and headed back into my now empty and silent study, wondering what might have been.

There were certain lovely memories I made with her but the fact remains the memories are not enough to bind us for the rest of our lives. You can love someone so much but you can never love people as much as you can miss them. I know so many last words, but I am afraid I will never know hers.

It has been too late to realise that she won’t be with me in the days to come. Our dreams, our plans, our goals, they are all going to be crushed into tiny pieces and whisked in the wind, destined to be forgotten. Things fall apart, they break. That’s life.

I won’t be walking next to her. I won’t be getting the chance to look into her dark eyes every morning. I won’t be feeling her lips on mine. I won’t be cuddling with her. I won’t be the subject of her teasing. I won’t be coming to a home where she would be waiting for me with love in her eyes. But then life won’t stop for me; my heart might be broken but still, it will continue to beat. There will be another man in her life who would be walking next to her, who would be getting the chance to look into her dark eyes every morning, who would be feeling her lips on his, who would be cuddling with her, who would be the subject of her teasing, and who would be coming to a home where she would be waiting for him with love in her eyes. And suddenly, I won’t be the father to our daughter either. She would be looking forward to him as her role model; and to me just like any other guy in this big lost world, struggling with his demons, strangled in his lust.

When I flash forward, my heart breaks, mostly because I can’t imagine her speaking of me with any sort of pride. How could she? I was a child in a man’s body, too young to know how to love her. I cared for nothing and everything at the same time. Noble in thought, weak in action. And I don’t remember the exact moment everything changed, I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me. The next, my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements. Something has to change. Something has to give.

The sun has set, the night is kicking in. It’s getting dark, too dark to see.

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