Happiness vs. Gratefulness — Be careful for aiming at the wrong one.
My perspective after transitioning from one to another.
I was always a happy kid. The one, who never ran out of energy. Who strived for cheering people up, no matter the mood they were in. I was rarely feeling down. Like, almost never. I mean sure, bad things happened to me as well, but I thought about them and brushed them off. People enjoyed talking to me. Friends, relatives, strangers; I felt they felt good, when they talked to me, because of my positivity and the happy mood I was always in. The way I spoke was quite fast and my voice was often times high pitched. Many years later, I realized, this was just my defence mechanism playing it safe with everyone I interacted with.
I still remember, when I was around 15 or 16, I found a PDF on the internet called “how to make everyone like you in 90 seconds”. I was instantly hooked.
Over many years, I studied personal development, body language, microexpressions, voice tonality, emotions and just human behaviour in general. This, unintentionally, also helped me to become even better at social calibration with different people; drug addicts, introverted loners, professional businesspeople, elders etc. Opening them up, with the help of my positivity was something I consciously practiced for many years. Well, I still do, I one way. The happiness in me was contagious and most of the people liked it.
But as I stated above, this was just me, playing it “safe” with everyone. This was me, avoiding arguments and conflicts. This was me, building Golden Gate brides over tiny streams, just to make sure nothing goes wrong. Looking back, I sometimes wish I’d never taken this path. Because of that, I do believe I am prone to “people pleasing” — I used to be much more, than I am now. But at the end of the day, this path brought me to where I am today. And I am freaking grateful for all the experiences I’ve had, for all the people I’ve met, for all the knowledge I’ve accumulated up until now, helping me to understand the life we all live in.
Over the past few months, something has changed. And I love it.
Hustling, grinding and going all-in was my moto from the moment on, I decided to quit university — which was exactly 12 months ago. I also decided to get a tattoo saying “do more” on my forearm, just in case I forget (yes, I got that from Casey Neistat). I decided to follow my dream, I worked hard and I got pretty far up, until this point. I never thought about stepping back, taking a break, to think about stuff.
Boy, I was missing out.
Luckily, I went on a one-month trip with my sister, where I was far away from my fast, “not-doing-enough” kind of life. There, I began to slow down. I started to really reflect back on everything what happened to me, up until that point. The meditation I did for many years was nothing, compared to one day of just being away from everything.
It’s hard to describe exactly, but I mainly gave my brain enough room to process everything, that was put somewhere in the back of my mind. Every day, random thoughts popped in my head. I had so many moments of realization, when I finally connected the dots of what happened in the past. When things from years ago, finally made sense. It felt so good.
I will never forget what happened when I came back.
My mom picked us up from the airport and on our way back home, she asked me: “Are you OK? Something is off. You seem kind of … different. Somehow non-impulsive. What’s wrong?” And I had no answer for her. I didn’t realize it up until then, how different my behaviour was. I was quiet, relaxed, calm, but most importantly I felt thoughtful and grateful.
It’s been a month since I came back, and I’ve heard the same thing from my friends, flatmates, co-workers, relatives. I genuinely have no idea, where this never-ending amount of gratefulness is coming from, but, even thought it might sound weird, I am grateful for feeling this way. For being able to put myself on “pause” when needed, take a step back, see the bigger picture of my life (and life in general) — re-evaluating where I am and where I am going, what and who is important to me, and just allow myself to feel more content and really present in the moment. I also speak slower and my voice sounds calmer and more monotonous.
I decided to write about this, because so many people ask me: “Why are you not happy anymore? Is everything alright? You used to be so full of energy.” And to be really honest; I’ve never been happier in my life.
It feels like my self awareness and gratefulness for everything, is the fuel for the happiness I feel inside. It’s addicting. So much in fact, that I’m scared the day might come, when I won’t feel like this anymore. But then again, I don’t really believe that. Because something like this, doesn’t just go away. I just wish I could take the state I’m in, the things I feel and the way I see the world, put everything in a pill and give it to the people I love, and to everyone else.
So the never-ending articles I’ve read, videos I’ve watched and the podcasts I’ve listen to, regarding “how to find happiness in life” … might have been a part of the path, which brought me to where i am today. But I can tell you, that your focus should never be on finding happiness. It should be on finding deep, genuine gratefulness. I felt both and I’d choose feeling grateful every single time. It’s stronger and much more empowering than anything I’ve ever experienced before.
Now, I feel the responsibility to share what I feel. My goal is firstly, to find a way how to communicate that. And that’s what I have to work on right now.
Thank you for reading this. It means a lot to me.
~Jackie
