You have known me long enough to know that a letter comes before a conversation, but I wonder if you do know that even if you’re not around to read it, I’ll still write. You were my first best friend, which is a lie. I did say it callously before, so many girls, whoever would say it, I’d say it back. But you were the first person I meant it with. and whenever this word arrives in a conversation with new people now, I still think of you. I cut people off on a third strike, it’s a simple, effective rule I’ve had all my life. Don’t let them in when the wound strikes three, because if it hits again it might scar deep. Be nice, be kind, wish them well — but leave. But you, I was always scared of leaving. I loved you as much I probably loved the only guy I fell in love with, and perhaps, when I cut him off after his uncountable strikes, I thought, perhaps I’m finally starting new this time. I’d be a liar if I said it was sudden, and I didn’t feel the distance. The truth is, I felt us slowly stretching apart a year or two ago. Perhaps, even more. Our realities were changing, and I was too young and emotional then to realise that you can branch out into completely different people. Perhaps, you think I changed as well, I don’t know. And I blamed it on your boyfriend, on your new best friend, I blamed it on lives, interests, everything but ourselves. Because once you start to slowly pull off a bandaid, no matter how many times you try to stick it back, the adhesive loses its strength, it never truly sticks the same way again. I slowly didn’t know how you spend your days, do you have trouble sleeping still, do you still eat a chilli chicken side, or do you now have more extravagant meals instead? Do you still paint when you’re feeling too much or do you cry out to him? I’m assuming you’re not crying alone, he looks like someone who’d never let you anyway, but sometimes I miss being by your side when you did. And I know lives change and so do relationships, but when I trace us back, I don’t know at what point we seemed to pull apart. Was it when I wanted him to stay so desperately in my life, that I couldn’t give you time; was it when you found love and wanted to make it work? was it when my home fell apart like dominoes cascading, was it when I changed cities to find myself once more? I never replaced you with anyone. I just found new people, new relationships, and new dynamics — and they all were placed very differently in my heart. While they did mean the world, I didn’t forget you. or did I? I remember I did tend to disappear when life became too much. But I needed space to grow, I needed time to heal, and my dreams were further away than I had ever imagined them to be and so my realities changed. I sat across the table with all of our friends, they seemed more yours than mine and at least eight out of ten times, I didn’t know what to speak of, sometimes I’d spend the whole dinner just staring at their faces — point blank. but I’d come for you. and I stayed for you. That was my desperate attempt to save this friendship. And I’m sure you’d feel the same with my friends, I know you weren’t exactly fond of them and when that starts to happen, you need a common ground before the earth starts to slip away. But I did have four years of memories with you. Crying my eyes, Spilling my guts, Laughing my ass off and knowing I had a home, even when my physical one was distraught. But because I can’t put a finger on what went wrong and I never could speak to you about it until now, I kept it to myself and well, other people — when I can’t understand something, especially relationships, I tend to talk a lot. I was drunk but fully aware of our friend’s marriage when I said I miss you. I do miss you, perhaps more than him some days now. And I thought you’d never truly leave my life and I wouldn’t leave yours, until recently, I saw you were long gone. And I’ve nothing to blame, perhaps nothing to even ask, if I see you today, I’d probably just give you a hug. But how do you stitch up a distance that is not measured physically, but mentally so expansive, it feels light years far? So I told myself, perhaps I’ll visit you when you get married, but I’m not even sure of that now. But it always felt like you were never around, perhaps that’s what happens when you start dating is what I thought, but the distance felt purposeful. As if it wasn’t him or your new best friend, it was you who didn’t want me around. It seems almost childish, is what you’d say. But recently I’ve learnt, that emotions are, and that’s why having them makes everything so wholesome. I hope someday we figure out why, I hope someday we meet up for coffee and actually talk. I never had anything against you, all my frustration was because I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t want me around. But no one mattered to me in college as much as you did and I have love for you as much as I did the first time I painted you for your birthday. I guess such is life. You grow apart. But I hope you get what you dream of, I would’ve written your dreams but lately, I don’t know what they are. But I hope you’re loved. I hope you’re happy. Our friendship brought me so much more closer to myself, everything I learned about feminity, came from how you treat yourself. And when someone adds that much onto your life, it’s almost impossible to wipe them off. And you know me, enough to know I always had a weak spot for you, even if I hung around with many people back in college. and you know me, so you know I could never hate you, I just felt so confused and hurt, to not know how it takes months to reach from your place to mine now when it once took you thirty minutes tops.
