This is what sadness feels like.
A love poem.
Somedays I ask myself what I’m doing. I put on sad music that speaks of regret, because that’s most likely what I’m feeling.
My biggest regret up until a few months ago had been that I couldn’t save the people closest to me from themselves. That I watched them self-destruct and couldn’t do more to change the course of their lives for the better.
Words are drawn like swords between us.
Silence speaks of hurt feelings and
echoes of pain long forgotten but
etched into the flesh of our being
scars of times we hoped would have been simpler
but turned out as now only could
what was it you said, again
what did I speak that offended you so?
my pain hurt yours
your pain yelled at mine
our pain said it wasn’t worth it
I walked away right and wrong all at the same time
right and indignant
and yet the price of such rightness was frustration and loneliness
but where does pride factor in when you’re simply,
w r o n g.
not in your feelings,
but in how you’re treating me.
how do I accept that you don’t want to hear my truth?
that you hear tones and hues I don’t
that once you heard the words, you left
I was crying for space to be who I am
and there I was, falling apart as I was
declaring something you couldn’t hear
declaring you were too far
declaring I missed you
declaring I felt I was floundering and needed more to do this
needed more to hold true to my wor-d
fear that I’d fail,
that I’d lose,
when all I wanted- was,
y o u
so I spoke honestly and without reserve
and you went running
into the hills of a far off land,
a hazy ocean between us
that I know nothing of
men go running, it seems
into the far recedes of some unknown time
he said I love you.