The Pursuit of Happiness…(Money, Cars, Clothes & H**s?)
“There is no perfect moment. No time when you will know enough to guarantee you will get what you want. No time when you’ll be 100 percent sure that you’re ready to have a child, fall in love, take a job, move cross-country, build a business, show your work, stand in your truth, pursue your dreams.”
— Jonathan Fields, “How to Live a Good Life”
Lately I have been questioning literally every decision I make to advance my career. I am looking for guidance in a variety of places: God, mentors, seasoned family members and friends, co-workers, mystics, etc. I am operating somewhere in-between letting God handle all things above me and actively pursuing what it is that I desire. But part of me is simultaneously realizing that failing to have the things that I desire after multiple attempts to secure them may be a direct result of God not wanting those things for me at all. We know that faith without works is dead, but what are YOU working for, exactly?
The desires of my heart have sometimes gotten me in trouble. But they have also led me to some pretty smooth successes. And of course, as always, I have examples for both.
When I was in 7th grade, my friend invited me with her to go to a hair appointment. I knew that getting in her mom’s car to get there would require some sort of permission, but the problem was that need for permission could result in me not being allowed to go. So I told my dad I was going to the library (which did not require permission because…productive), and went to the hair salon with her instead.
Now, of course, I thought about the consequences and knew it was not the best idea to lie about my whereabouts to my father. But my heart’s desire was to hang out with my friend. Needless to say, I got caught and ended up getting yelled at. And because hindsight is 20/20, I knew that I should have just stayed home. But I would compare this to what we ask of God and what we end up just doing ourselves. When God’s vision and our own desires are not aligned, we end up just getting…well…in trouble. We’re all like, “God knows my heart.” And God’s like “do I really?”
When I chased after something wholeheartedly and it resulted in success, I knew that it was God’s doing because it felt good. There was no doubt in my mind that I was where I was supposed to be, I was putting good into the universe, I was prayerful, and there was growth as a result. When I told my mom I wanted to go to Kenya to do service work and learn about public health, there was no big discussion. God knew the desires of my heart, they were in line with His plans, so he used the people and resources around me to get me there with little to no conflict.
But now, I am so conflicted. I don’t know what the hell I am doing. I want things…but they are just things. And lately I have been realizing that my “plan” and His plan are not on the same page. Will happiness be a result of an amazing husband, a nice house or apartment, a good credit score, nice clothes, and a car note? Because that’s what I want right now. So I have to ask: what should I be praying for?
I used the above quote because upon trying to figure out what we want in life, we have to consider how much planning will be involved. There simply is no such thing as a perfect plan. You have to decide what it is you want, take it up with the man upstairs, and then set realistic goals for yourself. But in doing this, you will never feel that what you are going for is perfect. If we are so sure about our decisions, life would be so boring, don’t you think?
I write this to say that the uneasiness you feel moving through life — the fact that you are not complacent nor comfortable about the moves you are making — is absolutely okay. It should be validated. Seek help from whatever sources, but do not get caught up taking the wrong advice from people that are unrelated to your personal journey. Trust in your gut, work hard, and put good into the universe. You are bound to end up right where you are supposed to be. But in the mean time…
