Losing the Battle Today

I’m lying on the floor with my legs up against the wall, falling sideways and trembling as I push the obtuse angle. Mobility is not my strength.

My friends are all training downstairs, and I had to isolate myself before my negativity spreads. I can’t seem to motivate myself to train any longer. I’ve no purpose and fail to find meaning.

I’m hoping that this is just a phase.

Somehow I’m on the brink of tears, sitting alone in the second level of the gym. The thought of speaking to anyone is abhorrent. This confuses me — since I’m extroverted and supposed to derive strength from human interaction.

Now I’m just constantly craving for solitude.

That said, I’m mad at myself for compromising my work ethic. I’ve never abandoned training like today before. I have been disgruntled and unhappy, but I’ve never pulled the plug and stopped. Worse, even having coffee didn’t help.

How should I deal with (lack of) motivation?

Coach S says that the way Dy and I are motivated is very different. Dy makes a slightly easier athlete to manage because he’s outcome driven. While I do not do well with mundane, I don’t grind very well.

As a relatively new athlete, I’m apologetic for this. I’m still unsure how to pull through the grind, and how to defend myself from self deprecating thoughts. I lack defense from external factors, I can’t seem to “compartmentalize”, as my buddy puts it.

I’ve much to learn. But I lost the battle today. It breaks me, but I’m too weak to fend.

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