Gratitude journal 18

10th August 2020

It’s been a really long lazy weekend. Did a lot of sleeping and I’m wondering if there’ll be a day I wake up and realize I’ve finally repaid my debt. Hung out with people, did a few activities beyond our norm so, I’m recharged, but still reluctant to work.

I’m curious if the reason I’m feeling so is really related to what I’m doing. Or that it’s cos I’m mainly working from home and lack that interaction. Or is it because the world is slowing and I don’t feel like I’m productive even if I dedicate a lot of my time at work. I feel it’s also mainly because I don’t see a point putting in so much hard work when the rewards are not distributed based on effort or results anyway. I feel that’s the main reason I’m not motivated at all. Yet when it comes to finding work, it’s not the best of times and I feel like it’s an uphill battle.

1. Thankful for moments of rest. I guess as upsetting as it is, this year is mainly about rest for me. I enjoy sleeping in and waking up anytime I want. I should really start tuning my sleep cycle earlier but I’m getting a full 7+ hours of sleep everyday and I think I haven’t done that for such a prolonged period of time. I enjoy singing new songs on my guitar and just reading books as and when I feel like. I can once again make it for impromptu outings cos my calendar isn’t packed and still sleep in when I end late. So, I guess it’s something I’ll miss if we go back to hustling and bustling.
2. I’m very thankful for people in my life who have been there for so many years. I enjoy deep conversations and have also begun liking those trivial passing comments we make while completing activities. I’ve been missing a lot of journals this week because of such meetings and I really enjoy talking and sharing and listening. There’s still many unanswered questions, but sometimes it’s just knowing there’s someone to listen out and tell me to just slowly work on the thing I want. I don’t know why I’m such an all or nothing person. If I’m into it, I just go full throttle and sometimes, good things really take time. So I need to stop rushing things.
3. Thankful for the small experiences. I’m beginning to feel fascinated again. Whether it’s a trip to river safari, eating boat noodles for the first time, or just simply taking a long walk at night. It’s rejuvenating and very relaxing. I never thought I needed such moments but it’s really such moments that frees me of my worries. Just absorbing fully what’s going on, like watching manatees swimming, breathing, and enjoying the breeze as we strolled. Is the answer to the world’s problem being present? I always reminisce the past and get so caught up in what my next move will be, I honestly forget what I’m currently doing or simply have issues focusing. Probably everything starts with a small step. Whether it’s self care, really immersing myself in the experience or just living in the moment, these are small important steps, and things I’ll only notice when I slow down.

I guess that’s about it. I’ve downloaded three new books and I hope I’ll dedicate a bit of time each day to read, laugh, stretch and learn. I guess that’s an achievable goal that’ll keep me on track for the year.