Dating for Introverts: A Survival Guide

Hi.
My name is Holly and I hate dating.
You might “Why does a young twenty-something hate dating so much?” Or even, “Why are kids these days so obsessed with hooking up and never finding love?”
- Because meeting new people is weird and awkward and honestly not as easy as people keep claiming it is.
- We are not obsessed with hooking up, Uncle Jerry, but our society has programmed us to pay attention to things (and, consequentially, people) for less time than it takes me to brush my teeth in the morning and dating apps have made human interaction both more immediate and distant than ever before.
You might not have been thinking either of those things, however, because we’ve never met, but I would bet some of my mediocre millennial dollars that I was close.

In an ideal world everyone would be introduced to their soulmate in one of two ways:
One — in a romantic comedy-esque “meet-cute.” Let me set the scene.
You pull your bag from the chair next to you and stand up. You grab your iced vanilla latte from the table and move effortlessly through the busy coffee shop. As you reach the door you push it open and walk right into someone. You drop your coffee and fall to the floor to pick up the cup.
“I’m so sorry!” They say. They’re bending down next to you.
“It’s fine, it’s fi — ” you splutter as finally catch their eye.
“Please, let me buy you another one.”
Coyly, you agree and lead them back into the shop. Your table is no longer available but there’s a snug couch nestled in the corner that is empty. Of course, it is.
As you sit and tug on your clothes they walk over and hand you your coffee.
“Your tattoo!” They say.
“Oh, this one?” You ask, pointing to your ankle. You never show it to anyone, but it was peeking just above your socks as you crossed your legs. It’s a lightening bolt.
“Do you like Harry Potter?” They ask.
“Of course! Those stories were my entire childhood,” you say. “I always felt like they were being written just for me.”
They smile. “Me too.”
You lock eyes, enchanted by the realization that someone, someone else in the world might finally understand you and your super, super obscure childhood spent living under a staircase.
Hearts swell, we fade to black, and the beginning of something beautiful begins.
Two — we live in slightly dystopian but not-so-far-away future. We’re programmed to meet the loves of our life at 27. Implanted tracking chips are the latest new tech accessory. We’ve had a few years to work out our own kinks and our future love has had time to learn how to do the damn ironing. When you meet it is obvious and painless and involves a literal sign telling you that this was your person. Your lobster. You meet, the sparks are instant, and you spend the rest of your lives blissfully in love and arguing over cheese. You never question if you made the right choice or settled because you were scared.

Unfortunately, that’s not how it tends to work in the real world. Two people meet, whether at the library, through work, or online, and one of them works up the gut-busting courage to invite the other on a date. They spend weeks on their best behavior, taking turns choosing slightly-above-budget places to go for dinner, until eventually, at some point, you pick one person and promise to annoy them and only them for the rest of your life. That’s not entirely how it works in the real world either, but you get the point.
As an introvert, I find dating incredibly difficult. It’s overwhelming and emotionally draining. I get nervous meeting new people and make things into much bigger issues than they actually are in my head. This tends to lead to some pretty rough encounters in my quest for love. I get better with time and pink wine, but it doesn’t always get that far. So, if you’re interested in taking your first big step into the world of dating (or third, fourth, twelfth etc.), you can use these thoughts to make it a little less painful.
1. Plan to do Something You Know
Unfortunately, you still have to go on dates. I know, I know — it’s the worst. I’ve tried everything I can to get around the pesky “having to interact with people” part of dating but alas, to no avail. However, you can make sure to plan dates that make you feel comfortable and less stressed. This way, you’ll never have to worry about directions or knowing the dress code or what to order from the menu. Instead, you can focus on being yourself and being in the moment. Plus, you’ll feel more relaxed knowing that you
2. Set Your Expectations — Low
I never promised this was a guide to unlimited romance.
Most people in this world are looking for love. A smaller percentage of those people like going on dates and spending their Friday nights trapped in a tiny Thai restaurant next to someone with nothing to say and an affinity for knock knock jokes. Dating is difficult for the best of us, and it’s only made worse when that guy you met at yoga, who you convinced yourself was “the one,” is actually a nightmare. Or way too into Smurfs. True story.
Instead of hyping your date as the biggest thing to happen this side of the millennium, try reminding yourself that a first date is nothing more than an opportunity to connect with another person. You’ll ask some questions about their life and if you’re lucky they’ll ask some questions about yours. You’ll either sincerely enjoy talking to them, in which case you can invite them for a second date, or you won’t. In that case, you can completely lose their number and spend the rest of your evening with everybody’s favorite dates, Ben & Jerry.

3. Choose an Activity
This can mean something different for anyone, but I personally enjoy an improv comedy show on the first date. It’s more personal than a movie, less intimate than a dinner, and knowing what makes people laugh is an important part of any relationship. Instead of just “meeting at a bar,” plan to go mini-golfing, beer tasting, or museum touring. They might not be your favorite everyday activities, but it’s a lot easier to spend hours with someone you realize you have no chemistry with when you can feign distraction at any minute by exclaiming, “Just look at this brushwork!”
4. Be Honest
If you’re comfortable with someone, you should feel comfortable explaining what are an aren’t interested in when it comes to dating. Sometimes you will have to learn to compromise — especially as you start dating someone more seriously — but when you first date someone you should be able to share that there are some things you just aren’t a huge fan of. In this new (and terrible) era of casual dating, I’ve been asked on a few first dates that involve parties. Maybe it’s a housewarming that his co-worker is throwing and he needs a date. Or an event downtown at a new hotel that he thinks we should “check out” together.
No. But thanks?
It takes time, but it can be incredibly valuable and liberating to be able to say, “Actually, it takes me a while to warm up at parties and I’d be more comfortable if it was just the two of us.”
Eventually, you might be required to venture away from your comfort zone, but until then why force it. Plus, once you’re actually dating someone they have to accept you for who you are and leave you the f*ck alone when they’re going places you don’t like.
5. Drink
Just kidding. But hey, it works.
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