2017.05.16

2:48 am

I wasn’t going to write a response to that email because I thought it’d be too public to have what I said sent out to an entire student body with both our names attached. It was a cute idea… but obviously people would misunderstand. But then I read the quote she attached to the beginning of the message and after that I felt like I couldn’t just stay silent with all of my thoughts. Thinking of wrapped gifts never given was a pretty sad image.

I feel a lot of gratitude to you. There are moments of ups and downs and a lot of times when I really don’t know what our friendship even means to you, and if it does mean something, then why it means anything to you in the first place. I often can’t think of what I bring you that gives your life more value. There’s nothing obvious to me. When I see you with your other friends, I have to admit it seems like you enjoy yourself so much more and really belong with them.

But maybe that’s just whatever insecurities I have inside of me speaking, because I think you do care about me as a close friend, right? That’s what I’m grateful for. I can’t think of what it is that I have to give you, but if you miss me when we haven’t seen each other in a while, if you actually feel more lonely the night after I leave, if you’re telling me to go back again and hang out with you, then there must be something you’re getting from my presence, right? I hope so. I’m grateful for that something, even if I can’t really see it. To be honest, a part of me is afraid it doesn’t exist and afraid to ask you what it is in case the very act of asking you brings you to realize some truth that I fear.

I’m sorry too that I really don’t know how to properly be a vulnerable friend. There’s a lot I hold back from saying because I’m embarrassed or afraid, because these other sides of me that I don’t talk about much or at all might be different from how you think of me now. Not that I think I have extremely polarizing sides, but I just don’t know how you perceive me. On the other hand though, I think I should tell you more about these parts of myself to be able to feel more vulnerable with you, really to be closer friends with you. Well, if you would care about those things…lol.

I had to mention all this because my gratitude for you is a complicated feeling. I guess this message was originally supposed to just let you know of my gratitude, but I also hope you can understand the different parts of my feelings a little more through this too. I know it’s not a typical expression of gratitude, but it’s through the gratitude that I think and care so much. You’d probably tell me I’m thinking about it too much, which is probably true, but I know you know it’s also just the way I am with these things anyway. It’s also 4 am now, so.


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