Ayahuasca #5-The work starts now

The following words describe my mindset upon embarking on my 1st Ayahuasca ceremony in 3,5 years. It was early December and I felt called to do something drastic to treat the seasonal affective disorder that haunts me every November.

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I feel like I’ve struggled through the last 3 years with constant emotional distress preventing me from fully enjoying my life. Since becoming a father I feel that frequent bouts of depression have made me a difficult husband and father to be around, even my dog seems scared of me.

Before COVID I was out and about in the world making bold moves. However, now I feel like a grumpy unsociable recluse and I would like to reconnect with the ease I used to enjoy. I used to serve and uplift people. It feels like I’m in a transitional phase so not knowing where I will land is completely normal. I’m desperate to cut through the rumination that keeps tainting my outlook on life. Cannabis seems to be my only access to self-love, compassion and patience which I wish were my default state of being.

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My intention with this ceremony was to open my heart to others once more.

My mindset heading into the experience was fearful that it would bring back the sensations I now associate with smoking DMT, an experience I still flash back to occasionally.

The effects came fast and strong. There were many fractals flying in my mind and I was overcome with a sense of; I’m not enjoying this, don’t think I’ll do this again.

My call for Aya was answered. I asked why she wasn’t talking to me and she replied tersly, that she wasn’t ready yet.

Left to myself, using a technique called Box Breathing* I managed to elevate myself into a better place. The visuals and the discomfort diminished and so I kept meditating and found deep bliss.

My second cup was purged vigorously and as the experience abated I sensed that a lot of tension and negativity had shifted. It was not the usual fun and colourful ride through my enthenoverse and to sum it up in one word, it felt cathartic.

The morning after, one of the shamen’s assistants shared with me that she saw nothing coming from the other ceremony participants. However, I looked to be releasing a tremendous amount of energy emanating from my chest like smoke.

The experience made me feel like I raised my head from gazing at my own naval and finally seen Anna’s deep suffering. She has been generous and patiently nurturing our family while I, preoccupied with my own depression while I failed to see the deep pain she has been experiencing.

We finally started talking about our relationship again and creating space to be vulnerable.

Anna said she felt lonely in our relationship because I stopped talking to her, letting her in and being part of my inner world. She is right. I had been telling myself that I was willing to let our relationship fizzle out because there was no point in making amends. It pained me to hear how low a priority she felt for my time at home and she wished to receive the same care and thought that I shower so effortlessly on my friends.

My intention with this ceremony was to open my heart again to people.

It has become very apparent that this needs to start with my relationship with Anna which I caused by having my head up my own ass for too long.

Epilogue:

Previously, I had waited to feel some vague calling to engage in Ayahuasca healing again. However this time was different in that I wanted to “build a roof in the sunshine” instead of waiting for the rain.

In the Amazon jungle people usually do several ceremonies over a short period of time e.g. 4 sessions in 10 days but to me, that sounds like too much for my body and psyche.

Therefore I committed myself to a further 2–3 experiences in the following months, while I was still in a healthy frame of mind. I can honestly say, the results have been astounding :)

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*Box Breathing method

Step 1: Breathe in, counting to four slowly.

Step 2: Hold your breath for 4 seconds.

Step 3: Slowly exhale through your mouth for 4 seconds.

Step 4: Refrain from breathing in for 4 seconds.

Repeat the cycle 3–4 times to calm the nervous system.