On Going Gray and Fading Away



I cheated. I read this post backward.

I get it, though. My body was hard to accept after the baby. All the lines, scars…

I went grey at 24.

Yes, I did.

But I’ve been dying my hair since I was 13, so I don’t mind so much about that. I also manage to stay pretty youthful looking — I’m not even 5 feet tall, so I’m cheating.

But I know the “who IS this person looking at me now?” thing. I know that very well.

It isn’t always a BAD thing. For example:

I had a… let’s call it a bad accident because I don’t want to talk about it right now… and my teeth were bad. For more than 10 years I never smiled while showing my teeth.

As a result I didn’t get laugh lines.

Then I got my teeth fixed at 27. (Almost all of them are crowns) Suddenly, I couldn’t stop smiling. I showed my teeth proudly. I got laugh lines.

Then I got some Botox. Took care of those fuckers!

The thing that hit me:

I WAS terribly sad. I grieved. I still grieve. All those years — teenage years and early twenties — the time in my life when I would have been considered at my “prime” and I didn’t smile.

Alexainie, I have a BEAUTIFUL SMILE.

I am a very attractive woman. I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m fucking hot.

And I had NO IDEA.

None. And I still forget sometimes.

You are a beautiful woman. What you’ve come through, who you see, why you are sad…

Maybe you’re just grieving. The loss of time you missed knowing YOU completely, Having confidence, Loving yourself from the inside out?

Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s something not the same but similar. When you hurt yourself and get hurt by others, then get to the other side of that, there is a re-experiencing of the self, a re-learning. And there’s pain of missing out on you, settling for less than you deserved and putting up with shit because you didn’t know your worth.

You know it now. So of course you are sad, scared and feeling like you’re fading. Pretty normal reaction if you ask me.

I’ve got so much love for you sister.


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