I am ready now.
To talk back to you.
We’ve had many conversations about these things. The voices in our heads, the incessant, relentless choking those voices do to us, the inability to soothe ourselves through it.
I couldn’t respond to you or anyone I knew on this piece before now. I felt like — “they love me, this is what they are supposed to say.”
It’s so stupid. But that is the truth. The constant questioning. The frustration of watching other people making noise without dirty looks shot back at them, the witness of validation for others, the constant giving of validation to those who need it — because I know how excruciating it is to live without it — but inside I give it and secretly make a wish every time —
That one day, the validation I give will come back around.
And it makes me feel selfish and the voices start up again.
And I’m always running to get away from them, but I never can.
I think every time I write about this I get better at living in it — wherever it is coming from — it is the one constant in my life…
I escaped from my childhood, found it in a marriage. Escaped it from there and found it in my friendships. Escaped it from there and found it at work.
If there are periods without it, I DO IT TO MYSELF!
Vicious. Terrible cycle. I am so tired of the ride. I am going to just lay down when it happens now. I’m not going to move. I am going to transcend it.
— I am not powerless. —
I can disassociate with the best of them. This stupid fucking disease will be put to good use if it is the last thing that I ever fucking do.
Love you, Alexainie.