I have been reading a lot of your comments lately. I hope you don’t mind, I’d like to give you a few observations to consider. This is only my opinion. I respect your right to continue on however you feel is right for you. And I’ll support you regardless of what you do or don’t do with the following.
I see you —
- are passionate and caring
- are hurting
- are searching
- are determined
- are feeling defensive of yourself and others
- are running head first into blockers made out of bricks and this is causing a great deal of stress and pain for you
I think you —
- might also be afraid
- might also feel trapped
- might also suspect anyone you interact with for a long time before you can relax (if ever)
I wonder what things would be like for you if you —
- slowed down
- grounded yourself in the moment
- believed you are important
- had confidence in your contributions
- looked for a path around the walls or asked for help finding one
- saw the empathy and lack of self protection you engaged in previously as an extreme along a spectrum where you as the pendulum swings above
- directed yourself to land not on the opposite side of the spectrum from where you were when you got hurt, but more towards the middle
I wonder if that would help?
I see you fighting. I think the fighting is your way of trying to sort out the ‘bad’ from the ‘good.’ Like you don’t trust yourself to know the difference because you are so angry with yourself for the past.
But you are not at fault for other people’s behavior.
You did not cause your own trauma.
And it is time to forgive yourself so you can be the open, loving and gifted individual you truly are. Because right now you don’t trust your own judgment and that is making everyone around you a suspect.
— My wish for you is —
that you begin to understand that you always knew the good from the bad instinctively. That you can learn to hear yourself over the guilt you feel from your past trauma. That you can find a balance between defensively striking out and having too much empathy that neutralizes and stills your pendulum such that you may learn to love yourself.
I understand what it is like to learn that I judged someone good when they were out to hurt me. I know how foolish I felt. I remember not trusting myself after that to know who is good and who is bad.
It was so bad, Poison Ivy, that I became completely isolated. It was so bad that if someone gave me a compliment I automatically put that person on my “watch list.”
The reason?
I believed I was horrid, disgusting, worthless, terrible and unworthy. If someone told me I was anything but those things, I reasoned that they must either want something from me or be a terrible judge of character — either way — they were not to be trusted.
I see that same thing in you. I hate it for you. It’s wrong. The only way out of it is through. The only way to heal it is to love yourself — forgive yourself for the pain of your past — it was never your fault.
Love,
-Cyborg ❤
