It wasn’t for you, Nathan Whiteside. And that is ok. It is ok that you did not need to detach. It’s good even.
— For you —
We are all different. We are all human. The truth is the way we take in and process the world around us is uniquely our own. Every brain is different. Our different brains mean we will have to walk the path to healing differently.
None of that is a bad thing.
What I will not do is look at a piece of writing, notice the pain and fire, that detachment that had to occur as a self-protective measure and criticize that hurting individual.
I will not scream, “HAVE EMPATHY ANYWAY” or judge that individual’s path as “wrong,” “unhelpful,” etc because in so doing I am lacking the very thing I’m asking that individual to show when he already said, “I can’t. I don’t have it in me.” And, he even told us why. He gave us his reasons, despite the fact that he has no obligation to do so.
No, man, I’m sorry, a man in pain regardless of influence or whatever other justifications we create to suit our demands for empathy we hurl at him, we are fucking wrong for the hurling.
We are wrong because we are asking for that which we have not given. We are expecting MORE from him than we are willing to give ourselves and that makes us hypocrites. That is the whole point he is making.
I’m not engaging in that behavior. I responded to Sherry Kappel because she is my friend and I care about her. It was worth it to me to show her the thing from a different perspective. Whether she changes her mind or not is up to her. There will be no love lost.
As to your point about having empathy for your rapist, I can understand that and I am glad that helped you. It simply isn’t anything I would expect of you or demand of you. If the pain of your lived experience had been activated by the news of the day and you channeled that into a post on Medium, I would not overlay MYSELF into your story and presume to know what emotional state of being was best for you at that time.
But I would have empathy — for you. That’s where my focus would be — on you. I would not judge you for your anger, upset or ferocity and I sure as hell would not lecture you on the merits of ‘having empathy for all people, despite the harm they’ve caused you,’ and then wrap that all up in a guilt sandwich of “we won’t solve this if YOU don’t take it on and have empathy even though you already said you’re all out of it for the day.”
Instead, I might be empathetic, hear you, validate you and support you, in an effort to fill your empty tank, that you may uncover your empathy once again.
And that, is how we solve the problem, when people have no more empathy to give, we share ours with them, we give love and support freely. We treat them as equals and have the same expectations for them as we have for ourselves on our worst days. Because that post was written on a bad fucking day.
And I know damn good and well no one is perfect. You did not get where you are automatically. You also did not get there because the people around you demanded it of you. Being raped is one of the worst experiences I have ever been through, but how in God’s name could I have empathy, forgive and move on, if those attacks never ended?
You can’t forgive someone for doing something while they are still doing it to you. That’s a ridiculous proposition. And until we figure out how to stop hurting our human family members we have no right to ask for, demand and/or expect empathy from them. For it is us who have fallen short in the empathy department, not them — which is why we keep going back to their wells — we have no fucking right.
None.
-Cyborg
