Making Amends

H. Nemesis Nyx
Oct 5, 2018 · 7 min read

If you’ve ever read anything out of my profile, you will already know some things about me. I am simply not in the mood to repeat myself, so suffice to say my PTSD has severely flared up over the last week.

I’m angry. At other people. At some things pretending to be people, and so on and so forth.

But that’s not what this post is about. This one may be even harder than schlepping this sack of anger and terror around everywhere I go. I think I’m not just mad at robe wearing assholes — or their gaslighting, piece of shit fan boys and plastic empty blondes in ugly ass dresses.

I think I’m mad at women in general too — especially those of us with fairer skin tones. Because we haven’t been listening — again. We are still missing it. We don’t mean to because we are so god damn sad and balled up in our own stuff — still we did and we do.

But let me tell you something, my friends, we are still sleepy. Rubbing our eyes and shit.

We need to discuss how we can recall our lessons learned recently unless we’d like to repeat them.

We need to make a point to acknowledge those who have walked through this sludge in front of us. Our Black and non cis gendered sisters have been trying to help us hear this for years.

Did we actually think we were any different just because we stood further behind in the queue for the pleasure of walking through this wall of repugnance?

Look into your sisters’ eyes. Does she look surprised to you? I’m guessing it depends on whether her eyes are brown or blue. Does she look sad or different today than yesterday?

If the eyes are on the face of any WOC or a non cis gender woman, I don’t believe she does.

Because! She’s been asking us the same question, expressing terror about her brutalization at the hands of the violent rotting sacks of shit in charge for literal DECADES.

The take comes for her husband, brothers, uncles, sons and her women kin just the same as it’s coming for us. The take doesn’t see her as human and incidentally most of the time we pay no mind to her at all.

I’m mad at myself. I don’t get a pass. All this dust kicking up in my brain, trigger happy fingers typing responses without stopping to remember.

And then I went around here acting a fool as if I didn’t even see her. I defended and twisted deflected and tried to explain myself to her.

Only with all that mess all I did was end up hurting her once again. I forgot her once again. I didn’t think of how hard it was for her once again. I forgot to consider her needs too — once again. I am feeling trauma now and somehow in the mix of all this I got to feeling entitled to it. Disconnected. Not on purpose. Not that it matters.

Just because I didn’t mean to hurt her doesn’t mean how I acted didn’t hurt. Just because I didn’t realize at the time doesn’t mean I don’t have to at least try to realize it now.

I remembered today and in an effort to hold onto some hope, I’m raising an alarm. If demons are draped in robes once again up in that court, let’s not turn ourselves into the asshole. Let’s refrain from running around saying how shocked we are and expecting a warm reception from the very same women who have been telling us where this would end up all along.

Let’s not make excuses if we mess up and forget this reminder, missing yet another chance to do right by her, then mistakenly believe our announcement that we still aren’t listening is going to buy some camaraderie, build a bridge or some great bond we haven’t earned.

Does that work when the disgusting sacks of wrinkled mess try that shit on us? Oh no. So… let’s not do that to her.

Please, let’s be mindful of our sisters who could be more raw than we know or think — even if we believe we have listened — because maybe we did, but we didn’t acknowledge that we can never truly or fully understand. Despite this, we still can be there for her, hold her hand and listen again until we get it through our skulls. We cannot resolve this problem by doing what we have always done.

Please let’s not compound her pain by offloading ours and making excuses for our own shock and shame. Let’s ask her for her thoughts — maybe take notes — the depth of knowledge she has is deeper than can be explored. Let’s give her credit for her ideas, promote her work, pay her for knowledge she shares, put a mic in her hand, sit the fuck down, open our ears and our hearts.

Let’s support her. Let’s tell her she was right all along. Let’s tell her we believe every word she’s ever uttered. Let’s tell her she will never have to laboriously beg us to hear her ever again. Let’s tell her we love her and promise to show her that’s true with our actions instead of our meaningless words. Let’s keep showing her love and never give up regardless if she accepts it or not.

Let’s take this opportunity to say everything we’d want someone to say to us after we’d been fighting for 100’s of years to be heard.

Let’s hear her, believe her and show her that we mean it.

Let’s follow her without reservation

Leaders have experience their followers do not have. We must respect that experience. Let’s show up willing to work to earn back the trust we broke and pay back what we took without thinking beyond our own self preservation. Because even though we never admit it, we know we need her more than she needs us and

The truth of this matter is that the only people on Earth who know what to do now are Woman of Color. If this idiot is draped in robes for life on that bench, we best have a plan and we best get to sewing a silver lining we want in our lives.

A silver linings recipe to get us started

  • work to truly connect with ALL our sisters
  • equate love with respect and fairness given freely without condition
  • care for and support each other
  • recognize our leaders when we see them
  • give our leaders the attentive audience they deserve
  • show gratitude for their advice and take no for an answer; respect boundaries without making up stories that boundaries are some kind of an attack
  • recognize we have a ton of work to do to make amends
  • make a list of the work and get to doing it right this very minute
  • recognize and embrace the fact that not all vaginas are pink and that nude color for you is not the same for all (for fuck’s sake)
  • refute cop-out virtue signaling bullshit; there is NO replacement for the work we know we must do — inside ourselves (no more substitution attempts using dumb ass safety pins)
  • ask what we can do for them
  • when told we’re all fucked up or upside down, believe it and correct accordingly without argument or defense
  • get over our hang ups with the factual statement that Black Lives Matter
  • recognize that statement was born from the fact that nothing tried for 200+ years has worked to change our hearts
  • believe with our entire heart that Black Lives DO Matter! this should be an easy one since they absolutely do
  • say the words loud enough for people who need to hear them, without hesitation or looking over our shoulder first
  • start acting like we believe in that factual truth
  • see the cause for what it is and has always been about — equality — for everyone

Know this —

including you and me.


H. Nemesis Nyx

Written by

One part cyborg; two parts glorious mess.

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