My son is 12. I could not ask him to make that choice. He is the sole reason that when I ideate suicide I do not act on it.
I am just coming out of a big battle with it now, as a matter of fact. The last month has been one of the hardest in my life. My son anchors me. I think that’s why I’m so afraid of losing him.
I wish you hadn’t gone through that — you talk about it in a nonchalant kinda way. I’m sure there are feelings there, maybe a past iteration of yourself sitting at your core — deeply troubled and impacted by that discussion.
I wonder if your therapist could help you explore that more? Something tells me you’d have a very big breakthrough if you were to dive deeply into that memory. I’m sure it was very frightening.
Maybe Belize sounded good to you because you realized that your life would never be the same if your mom had been successful? Maybe it was about escape more than the man you would have lived with?
I don’t know. What I do know is that when I feel afraid of losing my child and I think about what I would do, I always imagine I’d run away to an island somewhere — or Costa Rica — where I would know no one and could live out my days in anguish; away from the eyes of those who would know what I was missing.
Losing a mother changes you permanently. I think inside we all know this is a fact. I’ve had the misfortune of seeing how that affects kids up close and personal recently. Knowing how much they hurt is a suicide prevention tool for me.
I’m very glad your mom did not succeed. I hope you find out more about yourself on you journey and that you have all the support you need to feel safe.